DREAMWORKS
David Ogden Stiers plays Voltan, a hypnotist and
scam artist who puts C.W. Briggs, played by Woody
Allen, and Betty Ann Fitzgerald, played by Helen
Hunt, into a hypnotic trance.

Aged in wood

'Curse of the Jade Scorpion' has
Woody Allen indulging in his
usual dose of trademark irony

---

By Scott Vogel
svogel@starbulletin.com

An homage to noir and screwball with a nod to Hollywood's classic comedies of remarriage, Woody Allen's "Curse of the Jade Scorpion" ultimately compares rather unfavorably to its progenitors. Still, there are moments when this bit of cinematic caprice works, especially in the ways it alternates happily between genuine melodrama and satire.

The plot itself is hilariously moth-eaten. Allen plays C.W. Briggs, a long in the tooth -- Allen's now 65, after all -- insurance investigator who's bumbling exterior has nevertheless not impeded his progress toward solving major cases. (At the start, Briggs has just retrieved a Picasso portrait from the Spanish painter's Cubist period, prompting the quip, "It took me two hours to find the nose.")

Taking a tip from Santo Loquasto's wonderful 1940s sets, not to mention Suzanne McCabe's glamour-dripping costumes, the script introduces a shrewish Briggs nemesis by the name of Betty Ann Fitzgerald (Helen Hunt), a recent hire at the firm who is secretly shtupping the boss (Dan Aykroyd). It's hate at first sight for Briggs and Fitzgerald, whose opposing backgrounds ("she went to Vassar, I went to driving school," he remarks) lead to an endless torrent of insults. Some of these hit the mark; others, like "you're a mealy-mouthed little reptile" and "you can't sleep here, I couldn't afford the fumigating bills" are tiresome and sophomoric.

Apparently buoyed by Zhao Fei's Oscar-caliber cinematography, however, this dusty cartoon -- sometimes it looks like an Edward Hopper painting come to life -- begins to improve markedly when the script takes us to Manhattan's Rainbow Room. A company birthday party unites all the firm's principals who, during the entertainment portion of the evening, are forced to endure the antics of an apparently sham hypnotist named Voltan (David Ogden Stiers). Of course Fitzgerald and Briggs are chosen as the stooges and of course each promptly falls into a hypnotic trance. When he hears the word "Constantinople" and she hears "Madagascar" the pair immediately enact a scene of honeymoon romance on a tropical beach.

This amuses the insurance crowd, which of course is aware of the duo's tempestuous relationship, and a good time is had by all. Alas, Voltan is a crooked hypnotist with a penchant for stealing jewels from the estates of people with high-falutin' names like Kensington, and so he phones Briggs and utters the magic word Constantinople again, this time to encourage his henchman to perform some dirty work. You can guess what happens next. C.W.'s firm is charged with investigating the missing jewels and Briggs goes looking for the thief, not knowing that it is, in fact, he.

This puts Briggs into contact with, among others, the beautiful Laura Kensington (Charlize Theron in full Veronica Lake drag) who, this being a Woody Allen film, promptly falls in love with a man several decades her senior. Helen Hunt, despite her icy exterior and near-unlimited supply of put-downs, also warms to Briggs (poor girl, her only other choice is Dan Aykroyd!), as does Elizabeth Berkley (of "Showgirls"). And your own reaction to Briggs' geriatric romantic career will likely depend on your opinion of Woody Allen, whose controversies in private life have polarized audiences beyond repair.

For some, his prolific output is a way of regularly consorting with some of Hollywood's hottest actresses, both senses intended. For others, his tortured -- and at one time quite amusing -- relations with the opposite sex take on an added dimension of hilarity now that the Woodman stands on the edge of codgerhood.

To his credit, at least the writer-director has had the sense to poke fun at the set-up's complete unreality in "Jade Scorpion." When Briggs says, speaking of his apartment, that "a lot of women pass through here," you're supposed to laugh. I think.

"The Curse of the Jade Scorpion" Rated PG-13 Consolidated Kapolei, Koko Marina, Mililani & Ward; Signature Dole Cannery 2 stars

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