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Today in history: bunch
of weird stuff

Apropos of nothing in particular, here are some true things that happened on today's date in history:

» 1553: A Flemish woman introduces starching fabrics to England. (Inadvertently introducing the phrase "These starched underwear are Flemishing the hell out of my thighs.")

» 1661: Chinese Ming dynasty occupies Taiwan. (Taiwan merchants begin production of cheap, imitation Ming vases.)

» 1813: Rubber is patented. (First nerd hit on side of head with rubber band.)

» 1814: USS Peacock captures the HMS Epervier. (Came to be known as the most humiliating defeat in the history of the British Navy when seamen from the Epervier faced the question "You got captured by the WHAT?")

» 1852: First edition of Peter Roget's Thesaurus published. (The literary world is amazed, astonished, dumbfounded -- see: flabbergasted.)

Now the news ...

Shooting was no joke

PHILADELPHIA (AP) » A man shot a former co-worker to death because he was offended by a joke told seven years ago.

Stanford Douglas Jr., 29, was arrested this week for the Easter shooting of William Berkeyheiser at his home.

Douglas allegedly told police he had been thinking about killing the man since he told an offensive joke in 1998. Police did not say what the joke was.

(But apparently, Douglas just "got it.")

Turkey wins this hunt

WENATCHEE, Wash. (AP) » Two elderly men hunting turkeys died of hearts attacks just minutes apart during the hunt.

Elmer Sapp, 78, and Alfred Hurd, 70, were chasing a bird down an embankment when Hurd fell to the ground. Sapp went back to their truck to flag down help and collapsed.

(The turkey allegedly told his buddies, "Bagged two today. It was beautiful. I need a beer.")

Fly in ear, no can hear

BANGKOK (AP) » Doctors found about 50 maggots in the ears of an 84-year-old Thai man who went to the hospital complaining of an itch.

Doctors said flies apparently went inside Anan Temtan's ear and laid eggs, which hatched and caused the itching. The maggots were removed with tweezers and a suction device.

(We could insert one of several disgusting maggot-ear jokes at this point, but our attorneys warn us against it.)

"Honolulu Lite" in Sunday's Honolulu Star-Bulletin

An "explosive" new idea for getting rid of the shrieking coqui frogs, the only species environmentalists want to wipe out simply because the little guys are annoying.

Quote Me On This

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman -- stuff you pay good money for in later life." -- Emo Philips