TV is a refuge for
exhausted Web surfers

As much as Digital Slobs love the Internet, we occasionally need a break from the "all digits on deck" aspect of the Web. For the sake of our fingers -- save one opposable thumb -- television is the favored refuge, our home away from home row.

TV is the a la mode next to our apple pie, the pool next to our Jacuzzi, the "CSI: New York" next to our "CSI: Miami."

Still, as Ben Franklin said, if you love life, "then do not squander time, for time is the stuff life is made of." Just think, if he had sat around trying to rewrite that axiom to avoid ending it in a preposition, he might not have invented the extreme sport of electrified kite-flying in 1752.

Franklin warns us there's a cost to bad entertainment that can't be measured by money alone. Never mind rating TV shows, CDs or DVDs by content, they should also be judged by how much time they suck out of us, based on an average life expectancy of 75 years (657,450 hours).

Thus, Tim Burton's "Planet of the Apes" DVD, with its 13 hours of extras, would cost $29.95 plus $3.95 shipping and handling, plus .00002 percent of our lifetime (.00003 percent if you're a smoker).

But for a mere fraction of that hundred thousandth of a percent, Slobs can enjoy a wealth of finger-soothing television between downloads that would make any Founding Father proud. Here are three such gems I've run across:

>> "Dog the Bounty Hunter" (A&E): For those steeped in the traditions of MTV-style documentaries, this is basically "The Osbournes" with a can of mace. Duane "Dog" Chapman and his close-knit team chase bail-jumping nasties (though they usually make nice once handcuffed in the back of his SUV) around the Aloha State.

Despite tense, unpredictable manhunts, Dog and his team maintain a surprisingly generous demeanor once the bad guys (who not only traffic drugs and commit violent crimes, but rarely return phone calls) are bagged.

Dog gives us hope that the next time these overdue underachievers walk free, they'll take that first step toward rehabilitation, perhaps stealing a Treo 600 PDA to help them stay on top of all their future court dates.

>> "Desperate Housewives" (ABC): These very well-preserved women, given their hellish Twilight Zone suburban prisonscape, scrape and claw for that extra second of eye contact with every man in their universe -- that being three -- with dark-comedy dialogue written in dimensions you can only get from Hollywood screenwriters -- that being two.

While funny, be warned it's a domestic-squabble death trap in your living room waiting to happen. Any man caught laughing too hard (i.e. at all) at the contorted face of a single mom battling her bratty kids will find the couch he's sitting on to be his perpetual pallet for many nights to come. So, consider it Must-Secretly-See TV.

>> "MXC" (SpikeTV): This full-contact obstacle-course game show, filmed entirely in Japan, treats its inexplicably jovial contestants the way Goldfinger would treat James Bond if time weren't an issue.

The play-by-play is deboned of all its original content and dubbed with distinctly American rapid-fire innuendoes from commentators Kenny and Vic (along with sound editing that perfectly syncs back-breaking falls to what must be the popping of twisted bubble wrap). Reporter/fetishist Guy LeDouche creeps out players with post-game chats, confirming that all are still alive, if emotionally scarred for life.