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Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
Soaking the gullible
with isle sea waterSOME people are apparently upset that Hawaii is selling sea water to Japan. What a bunch of spoilsports.
The reason we're selling sea water to Japan is because we can't sell icebergs to Greenland. Or beach sand to Saudi Arabia.
What we -- actually, private companies on the Big Island -- are selling to Japan are little bottles of desalinated deep-sea water. Lots of little bottles of sea water. About 80,000 a day. The Japanese apparently believe that desalinated deep-sea water helps digestion, skin tone, weight loss and reduces stress. It especially reduces stress on the Japanese wallet since it costs more than $30 a bottle.
Here's the thing: There's no scientific proof that sea water has any health benefits. But it is becoming a huge economic market for Hawaii, and, you know, you don't look a gift sea horse in the mouth.
The people who are upset are upset because they think we are scamming the Japanese. They think desalinated sea water is no better for you than pure tap water. So what? W.C. Fields said, or maybe it was Dick Cheney, "Never wise up a chump." Residents of Japan, who are surrounded by their own sea water, seem to be willing to pay top dollar for little bottles of our sea water. God bless 'em.
Now, if the Japanese tried to sell little bottles of water in Hawaii for 30 bucks a pop claiming miraculous health cures, Gov. Linda Lingle would have her attorney general on the case in a heartbeat. But the governor seems cool with Hawaii's flourishing deep-sea water industry and even plans to charge companies selling the water a fee for doing so.
THIS IS JUST the beginning of a new type of industry that can pull Hawaii out of its economic doldrums. There are many similar products we have in great abundance that we can foist off on, I mean, provide to needy Asian countries.
If Japan likes our water, it will love our sunshine. I suggest we begin canning sunshine and exporting it for, say, $43 a can. We will have to state on the label that because sunshine moves at the speed of light, buyers need to get their face right over the can when they pop it open to reap the full healthful benefits as the sunshine rapidly escapes.
We also should begin bottling Hawaii air, which is superior to air anywhere in the world because it's Hawaii air.
Asian residents are known to use exotic parts of exotic animals for health and sexual performance reasons. We can tap into that market.
Ground mongoose toenails are a known aphrodisiac, especially to mongooses. A few drops of Hawaiian Cockroach Eyeball Extract is known to restore youthful vitality. And the health properties of puree of gecko tail is legendary in some parts of Kahoolawe.
And now that I think about it, our sand IS superior to Saudi Arabia's. I bet they'd pay $123 for a full plastic beach pail full of the life-rejuvenating stuff. De-cigarette-butted, of course.
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com