[ MAUKA MAKAI ]
CRAIG T. KOJIMA / CKOJIMA@STARBULLETIN.COM
Kelvin Ro, owner of Diamond Head Market & Grill, said his father, at right, always told his children, "you better do good, or you going end up digging ditches!"
Lessons from Dad
CORRECTION
Sunday, June 15, 2003» The Malama Na Keiki Foundation can be contacted via e-mail at malamanaf001@hawaii.rr.com. The address on Page G6 of Sunday's Mauka-Makai section was incorrect. Also, attribution for the Blenn Akira Fujimoto story on the same page should have been given to Darryl Teruya and printed with permission from Robin Johnson.
The Honolulu Star-Bulletin strives to make its news report fair and accurate. If you have a question or comment about news coverage, call Editor Frank Bridgewater at 529-4791 or email him at corrections@starbulletin.com.'NO make shame." Never has one maxim had such a grip on our island community. It can be a devastating feeling that can be felt across all ethnic and cultural lines. More often than not, it's barked at a disgraced family member, resulting in such red-faced humiliation that it feels like the worst case of sunburn ever.
But "no make shame" can also press you to take control of your life. It can help build character and strengthen your resolve to be a better person and a useful member of the community. And on this Father's Day we can all draw from the lives and teachings of our dads, granddads, uncles and other male role models.
One way we can glean knowledge on how to live fruitful lives is to simply talk story. The Malama Na Keiki Foundation, a nonprofit that provides funding for child abuse and neglect prevention programs, recently released what it hopes to be its first annual benefit compilation of stories, entitled "Generations, Volume 1."
"Generations, Volume 1,"
by Darryl Teruya
(Malama Na Keiki Foundation,
softcover, 52 pages, $15)
Foundation member and editor Robin Johnson and writer Darryl Teruya have culled the childhood stories and life philosophies of a diverse group of 24 young -- well, 40-ish -- men, successful isle community leaders and businessmen from a wide range of industry and cultural backgrounds. (Plans are in the works for Volume 2, to be published next year, which will feature Hawaii's successful women.)
Here, the men share their "small-kid time" memories, and how some of them overcame challenges such as single-parent homes, learning disabilities and modest means, while stressing the importance of parental involvement in their early lives.
RICK BISSEN, born and raised in rural Maui, is an example of a man who used "no make shame" to fortify his life in an ethical way, and he can attribute it all to his helping with the labor-intensive luau catering business, Nekoa's Catering, owned by his maternal grandfather. His story in "Generations" is one of the more strongly stated in the book -- not surprising, since he is the state's first deputy attorney general.
It's a career choice he made when, a year or two before his high school graduation from St. Anthony, he heard then-Maui Deputy Prosecutor Joe Cardoza speak at a career day event. Bissen's mentor relationship with Cardoza would continue after he completed his college studies, when Cardoza hired him to join his office and, four years later, his law firm.
When Cardoza later became a judge, Bissen took over Cardoza's office, and served the remainder of his time on his home island until Gov. Linda Lingle appointed him to the Honolulu office.
There's been nothing shameful about Bissen's career, but looking back on the family catering business, "'No make shame' is the one true theme that went through my life," he said. "We were told to do things that wouldn't embarrass us and the work we did. One reason, I think, I did well was because our family name was well known through our luaus. You know, in rural areas everybody knows who you are, whether your credit's good, whereas you can be more anonymous in a big city."
Compared with the buffet setups of luaus today, Bissen said: "We used to be what was called a timetable service. It was always thought of as a high-class party if the people were served by workers. So, whether it was held in a hall or community center, we would go in early and set out the food on the tables. My job in particular was carrying around cases of bottled soda and placing them at the settings, one by one.
"During the course of the luau, I would always go down the aisles and pick up the empties. Sometimes, someone would tell me, 'Boy, bring me anuddah soda!' and I would do that."
"My grandma hand-made the poi, and we made our own haupia and lomilomi salmon. I also remember helping gathering river rocks for the imu, getting kiawe and ti leaves. And with the pigs we had, we would raise, kill, kalua and serve them at the luaus."
All the boys and girls, brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews called upon to help with the luaus weren't paid, Bissen said, because, after all, this was family. "My grandfather had another service in supplying kalua pig to the stores and restaurants on the island, and sometimes during the summer months, instead of going to summer fun, he would tell my parents, 'I need the boy,' so I had to do that instead."
ONE MEMORY that lingers in Bissen's mind is that "in high school we were asked to write about who was our hero, and without hesitation I wrote about my dad." He pauses a moment and says, "You know, this is something that my family and I talked about at my going-away party on Maui."
DENNIS ODA / DODA@STARBULLETIN.COM
Alan Tamanaha said his parents gave him enough guidance and space to become independent. His father, Terry, stands with him at the family home.
You can hear the pride in his voice for his late father, Richard Bissen Sr., as he relates how his dad was an Army career soldier, on active duty from 1946 to '70, served in the Korean War, did three tours of duty in Vietnam and was the recipient of two Bronze Stars and two Purple Hearts.
Richard Jr. was born in 1962, and he remembers spending most of his first seven years in Alaska and California, where he spent many Saturdays watching cartoons at his father's Fort Ord office while his dad did his paperwork.
"Before we left California for Hawaii, my dad always promised to take the family to Disneyland at least once, and around 1968-69 he finally did. Mom packed lunches for us and placed in the cooler, and we drove there in the station wagon to make it a day.
"We were already in the park when lunchtime came around. So we went back out to our car in the parking lot to eat our sandwiches there, and when we finished we went back in.
"I didn't realize it until later when I grew up that, gee, we could've bought food in the park and ate there instead! Now that I think back on it, I realize my dad really had to pull off that entire trip on an Army man's budget.
"When we went to Disneyland, my sister and I thought we had gone to heaven -- and that was only that one and only time. My own daughter, by the time she was 10, has already gone to Disneyland three times! So I've learned that sacrifice of that kind really means something -- for my parents, it was a lifetime of sacrifice."
Bissen is especially wistful about that at this moment in his life. The family home in Kahului that he grew up in has meant a lot. "Both my parents died at home -- my mom in '99 from diabetes, and my wife and I moved back in 2000 to take care of my dad, who passed away a year later from complications caused by a brain tumor.
"We had promised not to take them to a care home or a hospital and that we would do that instead. During that time my three daughters got to see what we did for my folks, and I think they understand the sacrifice that went into it, of not putting yourself above caring for loved ones."
Bissen's daughters, ages 8, 11 and 14, will join him and his wife here in Honolulu next month to make the family complete again, but Bissen knows that won't be the end of the Maui connection.
"My kids see both sides of our families on a regular basis. And I know that one of the lessons they've learned is that you can always count on your family."
ALAN TAMANAHA grew up believing that one thing every child should learn "is to practice independent thinking, that is, the process of weighing good vs. bad, benefits vs. negative consequences."
In "Generations" the First Hawaiian Bank business banking officer, who has no children, has observed that such a helpful life experience "has been lost ... by parents committing their children to so many activities. ... Are the activities substitute baby sitters?"
"I guess it's a third-generation thing," Tamanaha says in hindsight. "The first generation is the one that goes through all the hardship and suffering; the second generation pulls itself up through education, and then financial stability; and then the third generation gets spoiled rotten by getting everything they ask for.
"With my other friends and their kids, plus my two nieces from my older sister, I see the kids being put in soccer, baseball, other sports, this and that, with the parents acting as chauffeurs -- I don't know if this is really all for the good of the children.
"My parents, I think, did a really good job with me, by offering a guiding role. It's not like they gave me total free rein, but they gave me a full enough range and a lot of flexibility -- you know, so long as you don't die!
"Some parents are so sheltering of their children sometimes that it's not surprising that they later can't make decisions for themselves by letting them succeed and fail on their own."
As far as the chances of he and his wife having children, Tamanaha says he feels they may have waited too long, although "some of my friends have adopted and seem to be enjoying it. But they did this earlier on in their marriages, before the age of 45.
"But they tell me I could be a pretty good dad."
KELVIN RO, who owns and runs Diamond Head Market & Grill, remembers that "my father always stressed treating people good," he said, "and to honor the family name.
"He came from the construction field and didn't want his children to have no blue-collar jobs. I remember his telling me once, in his thick pidgin, 'You better do good, or you going end up digging ditches!' But he was a self-made man who was always there to give me emotional support."
Even so, Ro feels he got the entrepreneurial "gene" mainly from his mom, whose grandfather owned one of the first trucks in Waipahu and helped farmers take their produce to town, and whose father owned two radio stations, KAHU and KGU -- one of the first Asian Americans to enter the media.
"I learned from my grandfather and my parents how to cook, and I'm completely self-taught as a chef. I knew I was going to be in the restaurant business at an early age, right after graduating from Waipahu High School.
"To be honest, all that drive and ambition that was instilled into me, I don't know where it specifically came from, but I've always been a goal-oriented person.
"Now it's come full circle, where I help with the culinary arts program at Kapiolani Community College, along with the work running my own business.
"Even after my dad and mom divorced while I was finishing high school, the man that is now my mom's significant other, Jim Yasutake, has, with his carpentry skills, helped me directly with the business I'm in now. He's been like another father figure to me, very supportive and a good inspiration."
Ro also does a fair amount of charity work through Diamond Head Market & Grill, although he'd rather not bring attention to it.
"Everything I've done -- either teaching or working in my business -- has evolved from my culinary work. It's the only way I know how to give back to the community," Ro said.
"Generations, Volume 1" is available through the Malama Na Keiki Foundation at $15 per copy. Call the foundation's office at 585-0315, or send e-mail to malamana001@hawaii.rr.com. Copies also will be donated to local schools and libraries.
PHOTO COURTESY OF THE FUJIMOTO FAMILY
Blenn Akira Fujimoto lost his dad and gained a stepfather early in his life.
A stepfather's
grace and patienceFollowing is an excerpt by Blenn Akira Fujimoto from "Generations, Volume 1," reprinted with permission from the Malama Na Keiki Foundation:
My earliest memory is touching dad's cold face as he lay in the coffin when I was two and a half years old. He passed away as the result of a tragic diving accident. I recall men in military uniforms and friends and family consoling mom. I know it's very unusual for people to have any kind of memories from that age, but I remember that period clear as day.
About five years later mom remarried. Accepting my stepfather as a part of our family was difficult for me. I'm sure there were many days where he found my behavior trying, but he graciously worked around it to fit in. He was patient about letting the four children work on their feelings. He took us to the beach and park, places we couldn't visit when mom was a single parent managing her own business. He even drove me to school. As I think back to those days, I am so impressed with his nobility. He had a number of options and taking on a young, ready-made family is more than admirable in my book.
As a child I benefited immensely from the time my mom and my stepfather gave to me. If I could give families something, it would be the gift of more time. For working families, especially finding time to enjoy together is a constant struggle. Yet it is so important. You can never get the growing years back. My weekends are dedicated to my kids. It is very rare that I will accept a business invitation for a Saturday or Sunday because that time belongs to my family. For example, almost every Sunday, my sons and I play nine holes at Oahu Country Club. That's one of my time commitments to them.
I took art classes as a child. My favorite art class was drawing. I continue to enjoy drawing. I've come to realize that art education gives balance to life, provides awareness of different societies, and is a component of all great societies.
In addition to the golf, I'm a high school State champion wrestler and enjoy surfing. I encourage every child to play a team sport and an individual sport. Team sports teach reliance on others and responsibility, individual sports teach a child about himself or herself.
If I could add a subject to the educational curriculum in our schools, it would be a course in leadership. I say this as a result of some of the young people I've met through my work. Many today don't take responsibility for their careers, their lifestyles and their lives. They need to take the initiative to make things happen for themselves and make good decisions. Hopefully, through my involvement in their lives, my children will learn to step up to the plate and become responsible, successful adults.
Blenn Akira Fujimoto is an attorney with Central Pacific Financial Corp.
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