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Digital Slob Curt Brandao |
Slumbering through
life, with no regretsAversion to technology sets the Amish apart from most everyone. Still, given their work ethic and devotion to family (not to mention their fashion sense, prowess on the dance floor and skill levels with Grand Theft Auto on PlayStation 2), you might think they'd have a closer kinship to Respectable People than Digital Slobs.
A common mistake. In fact, we cow-milking-optional Digital Slobs are the distant cousins to the Pennsylvania Dutch. You see, long after we slid down different branches of the socio-evolutionary tree, both groups still share one telltale family trait: We'll gladly go to sleep at 6 p.m. if we're tired.
But not Respectable People. They are alone in their belief that a week filled with sleep-deprived stupors warrants our respect, as if it was their own Red-Eye Badge of Courage.
Sure, making it to all of your little Jacob's Little League games might be worth losing a few winks, but not if your caffeine jitters are so bad your vibrating backside makes the aluminum bleachers hum. Trust me, little Jacob would prefer you get some shut-eye.
By contrast, Digital Slobs won't even do something we enjoy once the melatonin kicks in. Our motto: "If it feels good, make a note of it and get back to it after you get some sleep."
Someone has to keep the Sandman appeased. Everywhere you turn, sleep is under attack. Even research about insomnia has become one of the leading causes of insomnia.
You can't flip through the morning paper between desperate gulps of coffee without reading about the dire, if murky, effects of sleeplessness.
For example, researcher Stanley Coren discovered there was a 7 percent increase in Canada's traffic accidents the day after daylight-saving time begins (when we lose an hour of sleep) and a subsequent decrease the day motorists returned to standard time. But perhaps the spike was caused by well-rested people who overslept, awoke an hour late for work and attempted highway gymnastics to make up the difference. It's the sort of question that'll keep you up at night.
But the next time you toss and turn, worrying about tomorrow's big meeting or exam, and how inept you're sure to be due to lack of sleep, just train your brain to focus on something else -- maybe a recent article you read about how your lack of sleep also is increasing your risk of colorectal cancer, heart disease, hypertension and gastrointestinal disorders.
Or, you can just count sheep.
But given how the subconscious works, you'll likely be counting sheep that have colorectal cancer, heart disease, hypertension and gastrointestinal disorders.
Despite our devotion to dream time, Digital Slobs are victimized by insomnia as well. The difference is where our loyalties lie.
We don't just love sleep; we have affairs with it. We'll do anything to spend more time with sleep. We'll call in sick to indulge a mid-morning tryst with sleep. We'll skip lunch, dinner or an aerobics class (especially an aerobics class) just to be available in case sleep shows up. We have no shame. But in the Digital Age, there's so little shame to go around, do we really need to waste it on sleep?
And for Respectable People who feel their responsibilities are too onerous to "sleep their lives away," don't compare yourselves to Digital Slobs. Instead look at our industrious Amish cousins and ask yourself: Do any of them make bleachers hum?
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Curt Brandao is the Star-Bulletin's
production editor. Reach him at
at: cbrandao@starbulletin.com