"Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match," warbled the daughters in "Fiddler on the Roof." Back in the day, it was pretty common for a village, regardless of culture, to have its resident yenta.
BRYANT FUKUTOMI / BFUKUTOMI@STARBULLETIN.COMOnline personals can make
sparks fly in real life, but it's
still a case of "buyer beware"By Genevieve A. Suzuki
Special to the Star-BulletinBut that was then and this is now. The closest thing many of us come to having a yenta now is the well-meaning co-worker searching to match-make her sweet, lovable brother-in-law.
So what's a single girl or guy to do, especially with Valentine's Day suddenly upon us and love -- or the lack of it -- just as suddenly the only thing that matters? Post an ad in the newspaper? Something to the tune of liking piña coladas and getting caught in some drippy downpour?
We're not villagers looking for a dowry anymore, right?
"Wrong!" scream countless Internet sites that have taken on the role of modern-day yentas.
Thanks to the Internet, we're now a global village. A larger, more populated village, which translates into a larger population of guys and girls from which to choose.
If you Yahoo, you may be tempted to surf the hundreds of personals with Yahoo Personals. I admit that when I checked out the site, I thought it would be full of the kinds of guys who still play Dungeons and Dragons, live in the same room they did when they were 5 and regularly attend Trekkie conventions. Not bad, but not exactly the average woman's dream date.
Then I found Grant Fu.
Fu was my wedding videographer, the successful entrepreneur behind Lazer Tech Video and a good-looking guy with a great personality. I stared in disbelief at his online personal ad. He used actual photos and an accurate description.
I called him.
"Grant! What are you doing online?! You're a great guy! You don't need to do this!"
He answered matter-of-factly: "Basically because No. 1, I don't go to clubs. The ratio just sucks. Two, because part of my job is I deejay things. I usually work on weekends. And then because I own my own business, I don't have time to go to a bar.
DENNIS ODA / DODA@STARBULLETIN.COM
Grant Fu, who has extended his search for romance into cyberspace, says a Web cam like the one he's using is the best tool for an online conversation ... provided you have nothing to hide. He says people often post pictures of themselves at a younger age, or someone else's more desirable visage.
"I found that I wasn't really out in the open to meet anybody, so I figured, why not post an ad and see what it's like?" he said. "I didn't know what to expect, but I figured, hey, we're in the 21st century. The Internet is a big place, so why not see what happens?"
Fu insists Hawaii has a disproportionate ratio of men to women. And as much as my single girlfriends would love to disagree, anyone who's been to the Ocean Club on a Tuesday night has witnessed the phenomenon of about 10 girls corralled in the middle of the dance floor while hundreds of guys pace around like vultures.
"I think online is better because it's less intimidating and it's less of a harsh kind of reality than nightclubs, where you're judged on so many different levels by women," Fu said.
Not that the online ratio is that much better. Last I looked, Yahoo Personals boasted more than 800 men in my area vs. about 160 women.
But Fu prefers to take his chances with the protective barrier of a computer screen. "If you're in a nightclub situation, there are always 10 guys behind you waiting to ask (a woman) to dance or what have you, so if they don't like the color of your shirt, they can discard you," he said.
"Discard" is a very sad, and final, word.
"It's very sad for men," said Fu, who is in his late 30s. "That's why there are usually a lot of young guys at the club. They can still take the constant rejection and rips that the women give them. But a lot of the older professionals, like myself, we don't have time to get ripped on anymore."
That's when guys start looking for other alternatives, whether online or with a professional dating service.
Fu said he has the best luck with women out of state. "On the mainland the ratio is more even," he said. "The men and women on the mainland actually play on a more level playing field, so when they come here, they talk to me. They go, 'OK, maybe I don't like the color of his shirt, but he seems like a nice guy.' They'll actually try to get to know you."
THALIA MAEDA, a 27-year-old freelance writer from Hawaii who now lives in Seattle, can commiserate with Fu's experience. "I think that's another reason I pursued this online relationship, as impractical as it sounds," she said. "I just couldn't relate to people there."
Maeda met her beau, Kevin Jones, originally from Wales, in 1999 through Yahoo Personals. "At the time, it was free to post an ad and to respond to an ad," she said. "I think the fact that they (became a paid service) eliminated a lot of the weirdos."
"There were people -- there will always be guys -- who think when a woman posts an ad online, she just wants sex," she remembered.
A few replies made her feel as though she were on the verge of being stalked. "It surprises me how obsessed some guys get just from a few e-mails," she said. "I wasn't really taking the personal ad thing seriously."
Anita West, a 45-year-old artist from Hawaii who also lives in Seattle, said the number of weirdos she's met online is no more than she'd encounter in real life. "The guys who follow you out of the grocery store are just as strange online," she said.
COURTESY THALIA MAEDA
Three months of online conversations convinced Thalia Maeda and Kevin Jones they were birds of a feather.
What she likes about the cyberworld is that it's an easy way to put yourself "out there" without being there physically.
One of her strangest replies came from a man who asked if he could strip for her and her friends. "He didn't give me his whole name -- he was just 'D,' but he wanted to strip for me. I'm thinking, 'Holy cow, can't you talk someone you know into this?'"
West, who goes by "artgirl" online, said she keeps her online ads posted for 30 days or until she receives 100 responses. Otherwise, "it's too overwhelming," she said.
Last August, she received a whopping 87 replies. Out of those, she determined only 10 were date-worthy.
"I think a lot of guys are looking for Instant Wife," she said. "Some of the people who use online dating think they can skip getting to know somebody, but that doesn't work."
MAEDA LIKED JONES because of his reply to her unusual ad. "I was hoping it would be someone who appreciated my writing," she said. "The reason I really liked Kevin's response is, he liked my writing."
Maeda said her ad was more like an exercise in creative writing. "I remember I said I looked like Catherine Zeta-Jones," she said with a laugh. "I said I would go out with anyone who spotted all the musical references in my ad, and nobody did. I said I was looking for a Tom Petty type."
She added: "There were no expectations on either of our parts. I wasn't, 'Oh my God, oh my God, is he the one?' I just thought it would be fun to have a long-distance friendship."
Maeda met Jones, who was based in Long Island, N.Y., in person after three months of phone call and e-mail exchanges. "You build an image on e-mails and photos, but the reality is, there's a lot more to a person than that," she said.
They hit it off, and in 2001, Jones moved to Seattle.
NOT EVERYONE is as lucky as Maeda. Fu said most of his dates with women who have replied to his ad have not been good due to misrepresentation.
"The pictures are them, but maybe five or six years ago," he said. "For the most part, they're generally not current, or heavily made up or retouched. They're nice people; they're nice to talk to. It's just that when you meet them in person, they're not what you think."
West said there's a stigma among people her age who post dating ads online. "They think it's cheesy or bold," said West, who simply thinks it's a practical and expedient way to meet.
Fu's had a different experience with older people, saying "I've had a couple of grandmothers who've contacted me. They're nice people -- just not quite what I'm looking for. But they're very nice."
Maeda said both sexes are guilty of misrepresentation.
"Women might be more guilty of using totally glammed-up pictures, but other than that, I think it's the same."
She paused and then laughed. "It's a case of 'buyer beware.'"
If you're scoping for singles online, here are places to start: Looking for love
>> Nerve.com: A sexy, Gen X site with tons of articles.
>> EHarmony.com: A site that offers a matching model with "29 key dimensions."
>> Date.com: Find an astrological soul mate and chart a relationship's algorithm.
>> Lavalife.com: Enjoy instant messaging your online match.
>> DreamMakers.com: More than 3.5 million members sold.
>> www.personals-search.com: A free site that promises to match you with 50 singles, which gives you better odds than Trista "The Bachelorette."
>> www.singles-online-dating.com: Reviews dating sites.
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