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Shallow, dull women
have nothing to say

---

By John Berger
Special to the Star-Bulletin

One of the mysteries inquisitive men ponder is what women talk about when we're not around -- and wouldn't it be fascinating to listen in?

If playwright Jack Heifner's "Vanities" is an accurate guess regarding the content of most all-girl yakfests, then the mystery can be laid to rest with this two-part answer: 1) Little of substance, and 2) Definitely not.

VANITIES What: "Vanities" Place: Hawaii Theatre Dates: 8 tonight, 2 p.m. tomorrow Tickets: $25, $32.50, $37.50 and $45; $5 discount for seniors, students and military Call: 528-0506

"Vanities," which opened at the Hawaii Theatre last night, consists of three rambling conversations between three shallow and very superficial women.

We meet them as high school cheerleaders in 1963 as they're fretting over how to keep any of the "less popular girls" from being elected queen of the football dance and how to keep their football player boyfriends from fooling around with "trashy" (meaning sexually active) girls.

Joanne (Emily Kay) is a ditz with a shrill voice. She tends to take everything literally. She warns the others that nice girls can't use the phrase "Go all the way" in a football cheer.

Kathy (Stacy Keanan) is the leader and a meticulous planner with ideas for every social occasion. She's been a head cheerleader since elementary school.

Mary (Heather Tom) is a statuesque blonde with a rebellious nature, and also the cattiest.

Scene II finds the threesome, now snobby college seniors in 1968, fretting over how to keep girls from working-class families out of their sorority. In Scene III, the year is 1974 and they're facing life at the ripe old age of 28.

The biggest problem with "Vanities" as anything other than an acting exercise for its cast is that the characters are so vapid and self-satisfied that it takes tremendous time and effort to care what happens to them. More time and effort than many were willing to invest. Last night's small audience shrank after each scene.

It isn't until well into Scene II as one woman's dreams go awry that there is reason to empathize or to care. The glacial shift from farce to drama continues in Scene III, but the Big Dramatic Surprise is strictly formula stuff and easily anticipated by anyone over 11.

Staging is simple. Minor make-up changes are made using vanities on stage; the cast ducks behind them for partial costume changes. Simple boxes suffice to define the gym, the sorority house and the apartment garden where the conversations take place.

Credit Kay, Keanan and Tom with thoroughly convincing portrayals of women no one would willingly pay to spend an evening listening to.