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I ran into a local minister who was worried about the City Council. "These people are so ethically barren that it's embarrassing," he said. "I feel like I should say a prayer for them." City Council
never saw an ethical
line it didn’t cross"I've got one," I said. "Thank God for term limits."
Ordinarily, I don't mind if the Council gets into a few legal scrapes. It's bound to happen when members stand up for what they believe in. But it's different with this bunch. The only time they stand up for anything is when the judge says, "Will the defendant please rise."
Our Council members say they never duck issues. That's true. They're too busy ducking grand jury subpoenas.
The FBI and other agencies are investigating Rene Mansho for misusing campaign funds. Mansho's lawyer insists her heart was in the right place. Really? Didn't Sir Thomas Browne say the heart is the place the devil's in?
Andy Mirikitani is under federal indictment for demanding kickbacks from his staff. His brother is suing him for plundering the family trust. Mirikitani says his critics are out to get him because he's too independent. The only thing he's too independent of is a more clever accountant.
Council Chairman Jon Yoshimura urges Mirikitani to "do what is right." As if Yoshimura would know. He sideswiped an SUV with his Mercedes and sped off before police arrived, claiming he thought he hit a telephone pole. Call me cynical, but I'd rather he had stuck around until the cops could put that blurry eyesight under a breathalyzer.
The city is fining John Henry Felix $100 a day for running illegal weddings for Japanese couples out of his house. A mortician by trade, Felix now profits from death and marriage. Next, he plans to get in on birth by performing circumcisions during Council recesses.
These Council members love to play musical chairs. They've been through three chairmen and innumerable committee assignments. They'd like to reshuffle again, but their public defenders are worried that if they keep changing jobs their bail might be revoked.
Yoshimura heads the Council's leading faction. They call themselves Road Rage. Other key members are Mirikitani, who was busted for driving without insurance, and Mansho, who used her influence to get a sweetheart lease on an electric car.
John DeSoto, a motorcycle racer, relates to this group. He's getting old for the big bikes, but they keep his vote by letting him give pony rides at the City Hall Christmas festival.
Steve Holmes has loose ties to Road Rage. He liked to ride the city bus until he smacked a cigarette out of the mouth of a girl he caught smoking at a bus stop. He's been afraid to go back since he heard her big brother is looking for him.
Duke Bainum, a doctor, wears his stethoscope as a shield. Maybe it's for checking if Mansho's heart is really in the right place. If he wants to find her head, he might have better luck with a proctoscope.
New Councilmen Steve Okino and Romy Cachola are demanding an election recount. Now that they see what they've gotten into, they're hoping a new tally will prove that they lost.
But Mansho and Mirikitani are already working on roadside signs for their next campaigns.
Mansho settled on: "My hand may be in the cookie jar, but my heart is in the right place."
Mirikitani's says: "My staff has forsaken me, my family has disowned me, voters are the only suckers I have left."
David Shapiro is managing editor of the Star-Bulletin.
He can be reached by e-mail at dshapiro@starbulletin.com.
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