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Honolulu Lite
I'M going to guess that James McDermott isn't the most handsome guy in the world. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he turned out to be downright ugly. Off-color tales
from the odd fileI have nothing to go on but a recent wire story out of New York. But forensic investigation of the available rhetoric would lead one to believe McDermott must either be of a repellent visual nature or suffer from some other socially repugnant condition.
Here's the evidence: McDermott, a former chief executive of the investment bank, Keefe, Bruyette, & Woods Inc., was convicted recently of leaking inside information about pending bank mergers. He was the first CEO of a Wall Street investment bank convicted of insider trading. The recipient of this illegal information, it turns out, was one Kathryn Gannon, a hard-working young lady who held two jobs.
If you wanted to be polite, you could call her a dancer and actress. If you wanted to be accurate, you would call her a stripper and porn star. She was also McDermott's "mistress," but because he essentially was paying her in stock tips for her favors, you could probably substitute a more precise term for that position as well.
From 1996 to 1998, Gannon made $88,000 using her sugarbanker's inside info.
Which brings us to the analysis of the information. If this McDermott was a handsome guy or say, at least as attractive as one of the lesser Baldwin brothers, you'd assume women would be all over him. Even if he was just plain-looking, because he was filthy rich you'd assume he'd be getting some action in the lady department. The fact that he had to bribe a porn star with $88,000 worth of illegal stock tips is the corpus delecti - the most important piece of evidence - in the case. The man was desperate, ergo, the man must be pug ugly. The prosecution rests.
ELSEWHERE in the stream of wire stories, where odd items are caught in an eddy, rarely seeing the light of print, is the tale of a Texas chicken breeder who may be charged with selling dyed chicks. That's dyed chicks, not dead chicks.
It seems that Monroe Fuchs of Ideal Poultry Breeding Farms mailed more than 200 chicks and ducklings dyed red, blue, orange and green to California pet stores for Easter. (Nothing tells the story of the resurrection like a blue chick, right?)
California has a law against dying animals or selling dyed animals. I didn't know it was a problem. I mean, are people out there spray-painting their pigs purple or selling chartreuse Chihuahuas? Why haven't Hawaii legislators delved into the dyed animal issue. There could be some guy out in Kahaluu dying a mongoose mauve as we speak! Convene the special session!
The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals raised a stink about the colored chicks in California. (The Society for the Prevention of HUMILIATION to Animals would have been more appropriate.)
Fuchs doesn't understand the problem. He's been dying chicks for 20 years. When they are about three hours old, he sprays them with food coloring and then puts them back into the incubator to dry. What's the big deal? At least they end up as pets. The other three million chicks a year he sends out don't fare as well. After a few months, their color goes from au naturel white to a sort of burnt sienna depending on what brand of charcoal is used.
That's it from the odd file for the week. My dog's looking a little blue. I'd better go wash it.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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