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The Goddess Speaks
Editor's note: This column was written in response to Jennifer Balch Hale's Jan. 18 Goddess Speaks, headlined "Silent screams of military life." HAVING been an Air Force brat growing up, a soldier for a few years, and a "dependent" ever since, I will certainly acknowledge this life isn't always easy. As I read the body of [Hale's] piece, however, I became increasingly more uncomfortable. All of us walk away from experiences with different battle scars, but I felt my own silent scream building. I wanted to shout, "This isn't what it's all about. This isn't my life!" In our honest moments
We have much in common, Ms. Hale and I. We are both officers' wives. We both realize the importance of our husbands' careers. We are both stay at home moms .
We have a few differences as well. Where she felt she had found the "easiest job in the world," I realized there were difficulties and sacrifices associated with this life choice. Long distance phone bills would be daunting, relationships would take tremendous effort to endure the miles of separation, hearts would be broken with every move, children would sometimes celebrate holidays in different time zones than their father, and there would be many nights I would sleep alone.
But what a life it's been. We married in Pacific Grove, Calif., and honeymooned in San Francisco. We celebrated in Berlin when the Wall came down. I have seen the gondolas of Venice. My children have walked the streets of Tombstone as well as Civil War battlefields in Virginia. And of course, we have placed lei on the headstones of "unknowns" at Punchbowl. Our hearts have been touched by such a smorgasbord of souls. We have learned to depend on each other because sometimes there was nobody else.
MY husband's career is important to him, to me. He has had and will continue to have some exciting opportunities. I am so proud of the man he has become. This man does, however, have a life separate from mine. And this is not a commentary on that life. This is about me, my life, the life of a military spouse. Who I am, what I do is important, too. It is important not only to me but to him as well. I homeschool our children. My husband's career choice has helped make that possible. In eight years he will retire and his commitment to the Army will have ended. Our commitment to our family, on the other hand, will live on. The work that I do with our boys today and tomorrow will still be impacting them in the years to come. While the responsibility is unnerving at times, the journey has been more fulfilling than I could have imagined. I have not only led my children in their learning, I have come to know them more intimately as the interesting little people they are. Somehow, I have come to a better understanding and appreciation of myself as well.
My life is unique only in that it is mine. There are many of us out here, married to the military. We walk different paths and follow different stars, but we are more than just extensions of our spouses. We are individuals with dreams and accomplishments. We are loved for those things.
Divorce is never easy. My heart aches for Ms. Hale and her daughter. But it is not just for the dissolution of her marriage. She seems to have lost Jennifer Balch Hale along the way. I take issue with her last comment: "We know our husbands' lives aren't ours, but in our honest moments, we realize our lives aren't really our own either." Our lives must be our own.
What we make of them is assuredly up to us. And the possibilities are endless.
Kay Pepin lives in Ewa Beach with her husband and three sons.
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