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The Goddess Speaks
I recently told a friend "It's hard living in the '50s in the '90s," and for many Navy wives it is so true. We are expected to be independent and self-sufficient yet also willing to subjugate many of our needs. Silent screams of
military lifeI am getting a divorce. There, I said it. My 15-month-old daughter is sleeping obliviously in the next room while I am in turmoil. Three months ago, my husband -- a career officer in the Navy -- told me he no longer loved me.
We wives complain a lot, but often with a wink and a nod. The truth is, with all its upheaval; life is safe in the Navy. Tucked in our little enclaves and, in some cases, hardly believing our good fortune to have an excuse to be a stay-at-home mom (you need one these days). We all chose to put our husbands' careers first. It is so old-fashioned an idea that we feel almost courageously avant-garde in choosing it.
Eight years ago, my handsome groom and I walked through what is called the "Arch of Swords" on our wedding day. Four officers on each side crossed their swords in the air to form an archway. After passing through together, I was hit on the rear end with a sword, and was told "Welcome to the Navy."
Oh, how romantic it was to surrender to such a high purpose, to join a man literally on a mission. To let go of my own struggle to accomplish, and to dive into his goals, his noble purposes. To know that even if I never became something on my own, at least I had hitched my wagon to someone who would -- really, who already had.
When we married in our late twenties, I felt I was an asset to him. I was sociable; college educated and had a career of my own. I felt I was mannered in a '90s kind of way. Once, at a party, I disagreed with his boss in a discussion about the liveliness of a particular city. On the ferry ride home, my new husband held me tight and whispered in my ear again and again how proud he was that I spoke my mind. He was so impressed and loved me for it.
I felt I had found the easiest job in the world. All I had to do was look good, be polite, host a few parties and throw in a little feistiness now and then. These characteristics would make me valuable to my husband, valuable to his career -- our common purpose in life. No one would ever know my fears and insecurities about accomplishing something myself. And it was such a grand purpose -- does it get any grander than the fight for democracy?
But life presented the disappointments and sorrows that it does, experiences which are either handled as a couple, or not.
I got fired. I really hated moving. Turns out, I was the kind of woman who thinks she's low maintenance but is really high maintenance. Turns out, you really can't surrender to someone else's goals without being miserable and making everyone around you miserable, too. I learned once that no one really wants a gift that's given out of self-sacrifice. But I forgot.
What will I do? I have no idea. Five months ago I would never have written these words. I was toeing the party line. But now, I'm scared to death. I have a child to raise, on my own. I'll get child and spousal support. I know people have it a lot worse, but to go from being a stay-at-home navy wife and mother to a single working mom is terrifying.
There are many wonderful liberated, enlightened, modern women living as "navy wives." We are married to officers and enlisted men. We have character and accomplishments independent of our husbands and sometimes we cannot believe the situation in which we find ourselves. We know our husbands' lives aren't ours, but in our honest moments, we realize that our lives aren't really our own, either.
Jennifer Balch Hale is on her own as a mother of one.
The Goddess Speaks runs every Tuesday
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