Honolulu Lite
WELCOME to the next 1,000 years. You may be wondering what the next 1,000 years holds for you, or at last the next 50 or 60. Don't sweat it. Were kicking off a new feature here called the Honolulu Lite 1,000 Year Horoscope. Lucky stars for
the next 1,000 yearsWe use the most advanced astrological methods for reading the stars in order to divine the future of every individual on earth, which is to say we just sort of make it up as we go. But its a 100 percent, scientifically proven technique of forecasting the future, as long as you don't push the meaning of "scientific" too far. And we'll be offering this service during the first week of every new millennium from now on, so mark it on your calendars.
Honolulu Lite 1,000 Year Horoscope
Aries: The first couple of hundred years are going to be pretty sucky. But we see romance with a certain Virgo in about 500 years. So hang in there. And knock off the cigarettes or you'll never make it.
Taurus: A mysterious stranger would like to meet you. Don't do it, he's got a subpoena. Being on the run brings out your creative side. The fake mustache and glasses are a nice touch.
Gemini: Your sunny disposition carries you over a lot of tough spots. It also ticks off a lot of people. A new friend helps you realize your life's great ambition, although being night manager at Burger Boy doesn't sound that hot to us. Get that rash checked.
Cancer: We see a major financial change coming your way. It looks like ... ummm, its becoming clearer, clearer ... yep, its bankruptcy. Sorry. For a second, it looked like one of those you're gonna win the lottery visions. They're pretty similar out there in the ether. On the bright side, you're going to meet a new lover. No wait. That's lawyer. You're gonna meet a new lawyer. Man, I gotta get these glasses checked.
Leo: You Leos are adventurous and like to live on the edge. That's good, because you wouldn't believe all the crapola about to come your way. If you don't own a helmet, get one. Kevlar, too. Heck, maybe you should just have a doctor sedate you and just stay in bed for the next decade. No, lie on the floor. You could fall out of the bed.
Virgo: You saucy thing. You know what I'm talking about. You're the hottest thing in the constellations. I saw you fooling with Orion's Belt. The only advice I can give you for the next 1,000 years is pace yourself, pace yourself.
Libra: Dating will spice up your millennium. Especially if it's within your own species. Stop stalking that Sagittarius. Sit up straight. Wash your hands. Clean your room. God, you're a mess.
Scorpio: A social event brings out your zany side. Zip up your pants, you little freak.
Sagittarius: Pssst. I warned the Libra to stop stalking you. Libras never listen. I see a .357 magnum in your future.
Capricorn: Capricorns are the wisest, most intelligent and sensitive of all the creatures in the astrological zoo. Good looking, too. Don't look now, but that Virgo's eyeballing you.
Aquarius: Your employment situation will be greatly improved if you actually get a job. But I see a glad lover in your future. No, sorry. That's bad liver. Lay off the sauce.
Pisces: Hey Pisces, you're coming to pieces! Pull yourself together. Find a good book because your chance of finding love this millennium is nil. You may win the lottery. It looks very much like the lottery. Here it comes now: L-O-T-T-E ... R-U-P-T-C-Y. Lotteruptcy? Oh, you win the lottery and then go bankrupt. Bummer!
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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