Honolulu Lite
THERE are a lot of people out there who apparently are having a lot more fun in cyberspace than I am. According to some recent talk shows and online chat groups, these people are having, I'm not kidding, sex. Cybersex is a
touchy subjectNo one's tried to have sex with me over the Internet and, frankly, it kind of hurts my feelings. I'm not sure how one has sex over the Internet, but as long as it doesn't involve my body parts coming into contact with a computer serial port, I'm game.
The big question, though, is that if you are married, is having sex over the Internet cheating? How far is too far when you let your typing fingers do the titillating? Are some words, like "armpit" and "nasal passage" out of bounds? Is a computer affair getting too serious when you disclose your true sex to your cyber love chunk?
Having sex via the Internet would seem to be one of the safer methods available. Bad hygiene, missing teeth and the like are not an issue when sex is conducted through bits and bytes. The worst your partner can have is bad grammar and a dangling participle. Size doesn't matter over the Internet, unless you want to have sex with someone who uses really long words. It's not the diction, it's the modem. The faster the modem, the more intense the Internet sex can be, with passion flowing like an alphabetic waterfall.
I suppose that's how it works. I suppose you could get stuck with a hunt-and-pecker, a two-finger typist who is physically incapable of satisfying your electronic sexual appetite. I used to be a hunt-and-pecker. Then I learned to TOUCH type and it's soooooo much better.
With my long years of touch typing (I know where just about all the keys on the board are now) and my gift for gab, I probably would be pretty good in the on-line sex game. I'm not sure what the rules are, but I'm a quick learner. Like, do you have to have foreplay before the actual Internet sex begins? How do you do that? Send each other words like "kissy, kissy" and "tickle, tickle?" Do you say, "Hey, baby, you've got a nice set of parentheses?" And get a reply, "Your asterisk ain't bad either." Is there such a thing as premature transmission?
Technology being what it is, I suppose you wouldn't have to limit your Internet sex to just one partner at a time. I'll bet there are on-line orgies I am missing every weekend. Thousands of people are sexing as fast as their little fingers can fly over the keyboard. I wonder if my computer could handle it. It's kind of old. It doesn't have a big hard drive, if you catch my drift.
And I'm worried about my floppy discs. I admit I suffer from hard disc envy. Mine's less than a gigabyte. It's slow and lethargic. During its day, it was considered one of the largest hard drives around. Now it's used up and unable to handle the younger programs. I fantasize about having a 20-gigabyte unit. Then I'd be able to tap into those big cybersex orgies on the 'Net.
Then again, maybe I wouldn't. How do you know who you're having sex with? You might think you're dealing with a blonde bombshell with an impressive vocabulary, but it could turn out to be some twisted 83-year-old grandmother drooling into a laptop in some run down old folks home in the Ozarks. Or if you're a woman, your stud might turn out to be a nerdy 12-year-old with acne and a dictionary. The safest way to amuse yourself with your computer is to stick to solitaire.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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