Honolulu Lite


Friday, January 4, 2002

AloHa Friday is back
after holiday hiatus

I know. I know. The holidays were almost impossible to get through without your weekly dose of news about three-breasted women and the use of military tanks to crush karaoke parlors.

A 30-year-old man in London actually rented an underground bomb shelter because he couldn't stand the stress of the holidays. We're pretty sure it actually was because he couldn't face the world without his online edition of AloHa Friday. He lasted only a few days in the bunker because he "dying for a pint of beer." Yeah. Right.

Let's get the new year off right with the kind of sophisticated news and commentary you've come to love and expect in this space:

Staying abreast of times

BERLIN (Reuters) >> A German consumer electronics chain says it would remove 15,000 posters featuring three-breasted women after complaints, mostly from women, poured in.

The ads for a large retail company showed a woman wearing a low-cut top barely concealing three voluptuous breasts and the caption "There's more inside than you think."

(If we can see three of the buggers, just how many more did they think we thought were in there?)

He hates the nightlife

PHNOM PENH, Cambodia (Reuters) >> Prime Minister Hun Sen, who has launched a stern crackdown on Cambodia's nightlife, unveiled a new punishment for rogue karaoke bars -- destruction by tanks.

He told military commanders during a speech broadcast on state radio, "If you know of any karaoke parlor still open, take tanks to knock it down."

(He then went into a long, falsetto-voiced version of "Feelings" and finished up his speech with a rousing rendition of "Don't Step on My Blue Suede Jack Boots."

Life in Oz (Part One)

CANBERRA (Reuters) >> Drug dealers are casting a spell over young Australian party-goers by selling a brand of ecstasy called "Harry Potter."

Authorities said the use of cartoon characters or other popular figures to sell illegal drugs to youths was "a disgrace and a low act."

(They added that it was outrageous that "criminals would use drugs to debase a wholesome collection of books and a movie about evil wizards, ungodly spirits and wicked boys with magical powers that come from the depths of hell itself.")

Life in Oz (Part Two)

CANBERRA (Reuters) >> A 15-year-old baby-sitter is under investigation for providing drugs to five children in her care.

(The baby-sitter said "I swear, I thought they were Harry Potter vitamins!")

Quote me on this: "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate." -- Thomas Jones

Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail

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