Yes, we make fun of what we fail to understand. It's human nature. And with that, today I mock the institution of mock drafts and those pseudoexperts and overly fanatical fans who love them so much.

Don't get me wrong; I get it that you want to know which players your team will select in the NFL Draft that starts tomorrow ... the head-scratching part is why anyone other than the people pickers themselves bothers trying to predict precisely beyond the first few choices—and why anyone puts any stock at all in amateur darts in the dark.

You might be able to narrow a team's preference to a couple of guys, but as the variables pile up—many of them unforeseen even by the GMs and coaches with jobs at stake—it's all a crap shoot, at best. Take this year: Anyone who pretends to any true read after Sam I Am and A Boy Named Suh going one and two is either faking it ... or doesn't know what he doesn't know, to repeat one of June Jones' favorite expressions.

Still, the sacred process of player procurement must be paid its proper reverence, so our war room went into overdrive. After consulting a vast network of insiders, all of whom have heard of college and NFL football, and endless minutes of tireless calculation, we derived what we believe should be the top picks of the all-time fake draft.

Time to mock 'n' roll!

» Tim Tebow: June Jones mocked him two years ago. Now everybody does. Billy Hull of the Star-Bulletin has him going to the Raiders as Al Davis continues his long tradition of picking social miscreants.

» Mock Apple Pie: A consensus ersatz All-American.

» Slow-pitch softball: After building up leads, our park-league team amused itself by seeing who could hit the highest popup or purposely ground into a double play, left-handed. When an offended opponent accused us of “;making a mockery of the game,”; I had to remind him we were playing fake baseball.

» Mocktails: Unless you're the designated driver, what's the purpose? Well, maybe a sound choice for those partying with Ben Roethlisberger.

» A one and a two: Bigger mockery ... JaMarcus Russell as No. 1 overall in 2007 or Ryan Leaf as No. 2 in 1998?

» Davone Bess: It is, indeed, a mockery that Bess went unchosen in the 2008 draft. Further proof that speed over 40 yards is not the way to measure a football player.

» The Burger King: This dude is huge and possesses incredible open-field tackling skills. Always plays with a smile on his face.

» Gene Mauch: Longtime major league manager was a mock star in 1964, when he steered the Phillies out of the World Series despite a 6 1/2 -game lead with 12 left to play.

» Chad Mock: This University of Hawaii player had the good fortune of being on the 2006 team, the best in school history. He had the misfortune of limited playing time because the Warriors were loaded at receiver. He would've started pretty much anywhere else in the country.

» Mock Turtle Soup. A beast, but a bit on the green side (could also make you green if you know what's in it). Might drop a few spots due to slow 40 time.

» Dave Chappelle's Racial Draft: The greatest mock draft ever. I'd give you a link, but this is a family newspaper.