Forget those new year resolutions, toss out your self-help books and hop off the therapy couch. Positive change requires a shift in mindset, says counselor Sunny Massad.

In her new book, “;UnTherapy,”; the founder of Hawaii Wellness Institute offers practical tips to reframe negative thoughts, a requirement for attaining the things one wants in life while reducing stress and ending procrastination.

“;In America, peace of mind is an oxymoron,”; she said. “;When Americans do experience meditation, they hear incessant chatter and lengthy to-do lists. Instead of being silent and blissful, meditation can be very unpleasant.”;

Massad describes her book as a “;user's manual for the mind”; and teases that it should be a primer taught in the fourth grade. “;I want to help people identify the cause of their stress so that they can maintain a sense of well-being.”;

Stress starts in childhood, but children are never taught coping skills. Most don't even learn study skills or how a routine can keep them disciplined, Massad said. “;They don't learn how their thoughts affect their feelings, which means that they don't know how to talk themselves out of an emotional state.”;

Youth also are overscheduled and have difficulty quieting the mind, she said. “;So many people are on Facebook, texting and it's more difficult to find the off button. Churches don't teach it and our schools don't teach it. It's hard to know where to look for a place to learn to quiet the mind down.

“;UnTherapy”; explains why the mind is so active, “;especially in the past 25 years,”; Massad said. The book is intended for ordinary people with ordinary problems who simply need to know how to cope with the fast pace and techno-stress of the 21st century.

She describes “;techno-stress”; as a new kind of stress that is mentally taxing. “;Our ancestors had their own kinds of stress, but most of it was related to physical exhaustion. Today, we are always feeling time pressured ... what used to take a month to do, we can now complete in an hour.”;

One of the symptoms of techno-stress is time distortion, Massad said. “;The mind believes it should be able to get so many things done in a short period of time. This leaves people feeling inadequate because they just can't keep up.”;

MASSAD SAID she read self-help books over a 20-year span without results. “;I'd underline or highlight things and make notes in the margins,”; she said. She understood the material but did not know how to apply the suggestions. That became the driving force behind her recent book. “;I wanted to write a book that helped people actually change their behavior.”;

Short exercises throughout the book were designed to help normal, well-adjusted people recognize that anger, stress and job apathy can lead them to overeat, drink alcohol or engage in other self-defeating habits. The exercises allow the information to be processed by the right side of the brain, which is responsible for behavioral change.

Massad used whining or complaining as an example. “;My definition of whining is complaining to someone who can't help you with the issue; complaining to everyone else, except the person you are complaining about, the person who would actually be able to help.”;

Confrontation is most effective. “;Confronting someone is a very difficult thing to do, especially here in Hawaii. It's effective, though, because so few people do it, people really listen,”; she said.

If you are not willing to confront someone, she suggests removing yourself from the situation. “;If it's a situation at work, change your desk or work hours and start avoiding the toxic environment.”;

Another problem is worry, or what she refers to as “;misuse of the imagination.”; By creating fear, people are unable to move forward, she said. “;They conjure up every possible negative thought about the future and with those thoughts, scare themselves over and over again.

“;The unconscious mind always chooses comfort and safety,”; she said. The idea of going to the gym, for example, can be daunting because it can be associated with noise, crowds, embarrassment and pain. Massad encourages people to create a more positive image outlook that might start with bringing an iPod to tune out the noise with your favorite tunes, imagining rewarding oneself by going to the sauna after a workout, or simply timing your workout to when the facility is not busy.

“;It's the same way you would coerce a 5-year-old to go to school for the first time. You focus on the positive things that they will enjoy, and not the things that they won't.”;

MASSAD also meets more people who report having less meaning in their lives, less patience, a shorter concentration span and an apathy that drives addictions and other emotional issues. She suggests scheduling everything, including down time, exercise, socializing and even long baths, to help alleviate some of those concerns.

“;These things need to be put in the schedule first. Otherwise months will pass before it can be managed. If I don't put these things in my schedule, I just keep committing to work,”; she said. “;There has to be a plan. Far too many people are ingesting medication for depression and anxiety, having trouble falling or staying asleep, overeating, overspending, staying too busy and then vegging out too much.”;

Little emphasis is placed on self care, said Massad, who compares taking care of a fruit tree to taking care of ourselves. “;If you want ripe mangoes, you make sure the tree gets all of the right conditions—it's not choked out by other roots, it has enough light, water and fertilizer. Our bodies are the same. We can't be choked out by too many obligations to other people, we need to get enough rest and nutrients and be in a healthy environment to thrive,”; she said.

“;In our society, especially in Hawaii where there is an Asian influence, we are taught to put ourselves last. It's socially acceptable to complain about how hard our lives are, and less socially acceptable to be triumphant and talk about how we love our lives.”;

We are only in control of two things; what we think and how we behave, Massad said. “;Once a person realizes that they suffer because of their own thoughts, they can take responsibility and handle the cause of their own suffering. Action replaces an unconscious sense of victimization.”;

5 Ways to Prevent Self-Sabotage

» Instead of trying to stay positive, try validating the “;negative”; feelings that lurk in the shadows. What sounds like “;whining”; is sometimes simply a call for attention. Whining can be attempted communications from your soul to bring awareness that you have needs that are not being met. If you are complaining about someone else, communicate with that person, back away from him or her, or shift your beliefs to make peace that “;this is the way they are.”; In short: Love them or leave them.

» Are you sick of repeating the same story over and over again? Refuse to repeat it. What happened in your past cannot be changed. But the meaning you make of that past is up to you. You have a choice of victimizing yourself with bad memories, or you can identify the lessons you learned from that past and move on. Stay focused in the moment.

» If we were to put a microphone to your brain when you are talking to yourself, would we hear a supportive voice of praise or would we hear the wrath of self-criticism? Practice reversing old damage from those who once criticized you. The longer you repeat what they told you, the longer you will continue to give them power over you. Learn to praise yourself.

» If you mercilessly judge yourself, transform those judgments into goals. For example, if you wish you were in better physical condition, instead of feeling victimized by apathy, create a step-by-step daily plan to get the body you want.

» If you entered 2010 not living the life you want, you are not alone. Most people live lives they accept. If you want to break old patterns, do everything you say you want to do, whether you feel like it or not. Your self-esteem will rise and self-respect will grow. Break your goals into small, manageable steps and hold yourself accountable. That is how you can best align your daily life with your values.

—Tips provided by Sunny Massad