Have you heard of Twitter?

That's a question I no longer ask in person out of fear of being slapped.

The free blogging and social networking service has broken all virtual Digital Age speed records, going from something you've never heard of to something we all have to deal with in four seconds flat.

Untold millions (untold millions plus one if you count Shaquille O'Neal twice) log on daily to update their life story and check on the dozens, if not thousands of dozens, they follow who are doing the same thing.

Of course, to say there is Twitter hype is an understatement, but with a 140-character limit, everything about Twitter is pretty much an understatement.

One gets the sensation many are lost on Twitter Island, drawn in like the passengers of Oceanic Flight 815 by the magnetic fields of opinion leaders like Oprah, CNN or that guy who played guitar for Jane's Addiction.

Thus, new users could be simply parroting the moves of others, like 40-year-olds on a techno dance floor.

The biggest rookie mistake is to use Twitter via twitter.com. How gauche! Try Tweetdeck, or Tweetie or Twitterriffic to better manage your tweet lifestyle.

In fact, “;Twitter clients”; that empower your experience are all the rage. Want to find people? Try TwitterMass or Twellow. Want to find a job? Try Twitterjobsearch or Tweetlistings. Want to manage your diabetes? Integrate your tweets with SugarStats.com.

Of course, a little of this goes a long way toward frying your brain… I mean, “;tweet engine.”; So I've decided to compile a dream team of fantasy Twitterers and clients, and sit back and wait for them to appear. Among them:

@FallonThreshold: Will tweet whenever “;Late Night with Jimmy Fallon”; becomes funny.

@MSNBCsmackdown: Tweets whenever MSNBC lets Joe Scarborough and Keith Olbermann on the same set at the same time.

@JerkOutTheBox: Tweets when that weird guy in a trenchcoat with the eerie Mona Lisa smile and fixed stare leaves my neighborhood Jack In the Box so I can then walk over there and eat in peace.

@GeoJess500: Tweets whenever Jessica Alba is within 500 nautical miles of me.

@TiVoRescue: Tweets whenever a two-second power outage shuts off my Scientific Atlanta cable box so I can then drive back home and hit its “;power”; button because it won't restart by itself for some idiotic reason and otherwise I'll come home after a long day of work only to learn an entire day of “;Family Guy”; reruns have been lost forever (or at least until tomorrow).

@HugeHugh: Tweets whenever Hugh Jackman finally lets himself go so I can get a picture of his old, flabby self and make THAT the wallpaper on my wife's computer desktop.

@WeekendWorker: Automatically tweets at 3 p.m. every Friday to remind me that if I had a life, I'd be within hours of being able to enjoy it.

@NoAlibi_U_Ugly: Tweets the funniest and/or most off-color banners draped over bleachers by high school football fans on Friday nights to taunt opposing teams, i.e. “;DRY HEAVE ON MANSFIELD.”;

@SuperUrchin: Tweets a running weekly tab of how many times Peter Petrelli petulantly refuses to go along with whatever his brother Nathan and mother Angela want him to do on “;Heroes.”;

@MeetTheProsaic: Will automatically tweet when NBC's David Gregory breaks Charles Grodin's all-time record of logging 2,542 hours of continuous on-air time without saying anything interesting.

@ShallowSusanWatch: Tweets whenever someone who's not Hollywood beautiful does something worth paying attention to.

Got your own fantasy Twitterers? Send them to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)