News Item: The Hawaii State Legislature may consider a bill that would provide $100,000 for a pilot program that would fly homeless people in Hawaii back to where they came from.

  To: Office of Hawaiian Affairs

From: The Alliance of Concerned and Slightly Agitated Native Hawaiians

Aloha kakou!

It has come to our attention that state legislators are considering paying to return homeless people currently in the islands back to where they came from. How come OHA didn't think of this first? Learning that sending people in Hawaii back to where they came from is a viable option our Hawaiian representatives failed to consider has made the Alliance of Concerned and Slightly Agitated Native Hawaiians even more concerned and agitated.

With its millions of dollars allotted to help Hawaiians, OHA should be in the forefront of paying to send people who do not belong in Hawaii back to where they came from.

Now, you may say that the Legislature is only considering sending recent mainland transplants to Hawaii who have become homeless back to where they came from. We believe that is a narrow interpretation of the situation. Hawaii is the home of Native Hawaiians, the first people to set foot on these islands. It is not the home of anyone who came after that. Ergo, people in Hawaii who are not descendants of the original settlers are homeless. And through the goodness and aloha in our hearts, we should do everything in our power to send these poor, stranded souls back to where they came from. Why should the state government decide where to draw the line on who should be sent back to where they came from and who shouldn't?

The Legislature apparently believes the line should be drawn at homeless shelters and beaches where recent visitors to Hawaii without money reside. We suggest the line be set a tad further back to include any visitors whose relatives were not on the beach to welcome Captain Cook. If pressed to put a date on it, the year 1300 A.D. would seem to be a nice round number to determine who can call Hawaii home.

  ONE THING that really concerns and agitates the Alliance of Concerned and Slightly Agitated Native Hawaiians is that it seems that the islands' most recent arrivals always are the ones who want to say who should be able to live here and who should go back to where they came from. Each succeeding group of people who arrived here seemed to resent the eventual arrival of the next group. But until this legislative session, no one really had the coconuts to suggest sending anyone back to where they came from. How did these people learn everything from Hawaiians except aloha? Who says a Texas millionaire has more right to live in our islands than some poor broke buggah from Los Angeles?

Anyway, the Alliance of Concerned and Slightly Agitated Native Hawaiians suggests OHA start looking in to the price of airfares for repatriation today. There might be great rates for groups of 500,000 or more.