Relive sparkles and shames of digital 2008


POSTED: Monday, January 05, 2009

With apologies to philosopher Edmund Burke for updating his famous quote for the Digital Age, “;Those who do not adequately bookmark their browser links to history are destined to repeat it.”;

Therefore, here is Part 2 of the Digital Slob's Gist of 2008:

» Apple's iPhone 3G, the Beatles of the tech world, pre-opened to rave reviews but actually opened in July to worldwide activation problems. In a funny-if-it-wasn't-sad-OK-it's-still-funny twist, various blogs reported that stores in the United Kingdom suddenly realized they needed Windows machines to activate the gadgets. Steve Jobs wasn't returning calls, leaving thousands of Apple faithful to come to terms with a short-term bitter truth: Face it, dude, the iPhone just isn't that into you.

» After some damaging, high-profile online rumors, Slobs determined we need a new Web domain for gossip-related content that mimics the natural life cycle of all other misguided hearsay. Instead of “;.com,”; it would exist in “;.bs”; for content you'd “;better suspect.”;

Everything from “;”; to “;”; would operate in all ways identical to the regular Web, with one exception: Once posted, type and graphics would fade 10 percent every day until they disappeared.

» Researchers in Tel Aviv, Israel, developed a software program that can determine whether we're hot or not, based on Pythagoras' Golden Ratio (1:1.618), a theory that supposedly breaks down the beautiful parts of the universe into proportional sets of rectangles and triangles. This ratio is also in play at, a Web site that applies it to humans. Angelina Jolie's lips are exactly 1.618 times the width of her nose. Tom Cruise's head is exactly 1.618 times the distance between his eyes.

I was skeptical until I realized that it applied to Slobs, too - my waist is exactly 1.618 times the width of my pants.

» When skyrocketing gas prices suddenly made it more expensive to commute to a double cheeseburger than to buy it and eat it, Slobs employed our Web browsers to research burgeoning eco-automobiles, including the Zap Alias, Chevy Volt, Th!nk City and ZENN City. But none got more press than the Tesla Roadster - a $100,000 lithium-ion-powered ego blaster, a zero-emission, 100 percent attitude sports car that can do zero to 60 in four seconds. If you want a girlfriend half your age, why not pick her up in a car that says, “;I care enough to leave a planet behind for you once I'm gone”;?

» To the chagrin of Slobs everywhere, major Internet service providers began to transition from all-you-can-eat monthly data plans to a la carte, as if data, just like the electricity that transfers it, were a finite resource. It's not like our heads of state are flying to the Mideast every nine months to beg the Saudis to drill for more bytes. As the world moves from watching TV on TVs to watching TV online, it seems the Time Warner Cables are getting tired of losing money to Time Warner Internets.

Slobs reacted by signing up with alternative ISPs and joining to ensure the Web is “;fast and affordable to everyone.”; After all, who wants their pursuit of happiness corralled into a toll road?


Reach Star-Bulletin columnist Curt Brandao and subscribe to the free “;digitalslobpod”; podcast at