Whoosh!

“;What was that?”;

That was 2008, mate.

“;That was fast.”;

Tell me about it.

“;No, man, I mean that was really fast. Faster than any other year I can remember.”;

That's because you're getting old, mate. Time is relative, as Einstein said. The older you get, the faster time goes. By the time you are 65, an entire year will go by in a few days.

“;That doesn't seem fair. When you get older, time should slow down. You should be able to enjoy old age, savor the passing of each day.”;

It doesn't work like that, mate. Life is like a carnival ride. As you get older, the world spins faster and faster to fling all the old codgers off and make room for new riders.

“;Isn't there anything you can do to slow it down?”;

Not much. You can drink a lot. Nothing slows down time like a bad hangover. I had a hangover once that went from February to halfway through March. Longest six weeks of my life.

“;Maybe I should just keep busy.”;

Worst thing to do is keep busy, mate. Speeds up time even more. You just shuffle off this mortal coil more quickly. And you're tired, too.

“;Well, I'm going to make the most of the new year. I'm going to stop and smell the roses.”;

  I tried that once. Stopped and smelled all the roses I could. Came up with a schedule, even. You can't believe how many roses are out there until you try to get your nose close to them. I vowed to become the best rose smeller in the world. I sprinted from garden to garden smelling roses from dawn till dusk. It was exhausting. In the end, it didn't matter. The year went by even faster, and I ended up in the hospital with a pollen overdose.

“;There must be a way to slow down time. I sat in on a City Council meeting once. That seemed to go on forever.”;

You're going to sit in on City Council meetings? Why don't you stick a needle in your eyeball while you're at it? Yes, City Council meetings, legislative hearings and sermons all seem to affect the space/time continuum, slow it down to an alarming degree. But so does being water-boarded, tarred and feathered, and flogged. I'd rather have the hangover.

“;There are still three days left before 2008 runs out. Maybe I can do something worthwhile, salvage something out of the year before it's gone.”;

What are you gonna do, mate? Find a cure for cancer in three days? Free Tibet? Patch up the hole in the ozone layer?

“;Can I ask you a question?”;

Sure, mate.

“;Why do you do this every year?”;

What?

“;Have this conversation with yourself. Every year around this time, you have the same conversation with yourself. You fritter away the year, and when it's almost gone, you blame it on time. Time doesn't go faster the older you get, it just seems that way. You've got three days left before the new year. Why don't you—I mean, we—make the most of them?”;

Good idea, mate. Pass us another beer.