Google, the giant Internet company that eventually will rule the Earth, has launched a new application that lets iPhone users do Google searches by voice. That is an amazing breakthrough that will come in handy for the millions of iPhone users with pudgy fingers who can't type on the little keypad without hitting three letters at a time.

But the new speech feature has its problems. Users in the UK found the new application has trouble understanding British accents. According to news reports, when one user said the word “;iPhone,”; Google thought he was asking for sex and offered him a number of porn sites. When a Welsh caller said “;iPhone”; it thought he was asking about gorillas and kitchen sinks.

I thought, if this new speech recognition program can't understand British accents, how's it going to understand pidgin? And a lot of people speak pidgin in Hawaii, even some of us haoles. So I asked an almost completely hypothetical pidgin-speaking friend to search for information on Google via his iPhone.

”;Bruddah, where da best place for eat plate lunch?”;

Google:

» Butter—Wikipedia: Butter is a sweet dairy product ...

» Depressed? Here are some suggestions to help stop ...

» Platelets—The Human Heart: An Online Exploration ...

”;No, not buttah, bruddah! And not platelets, plate lunch! I like, da kine, cheap grinds.”;

Google:

» Plane Launch—YouTube: RR2 plane launch. Very cool!

» Decline—NASDAQ: Stocks continued to decline on new ...

» Chief Grimes—MySpace.com: Chief Billy Grimes, 64, Santa Cruz, Calif.; Open to new experiences ...

”;Ho, brah, you kine stupid! I said cheap grinds, not Chief Grimes. What? You think I no like da chicks, or what?

Google:

» Lady Ho's Bras, Corsets and Other Fine Lingerie at ...

» King Stuphus of Wales—Stuphus the Incomprehensible: 13th-century monarch who ...

» Das Cheeks Dei Beicke—Und Schulung der in der Rehinderenarbeit kommenden eine ...

”;Eh, you like me punch yo' face, cuz?

Google:

» Lake Pontchartrain Causeway, New Orleans: Longest bridge in country ...

”;What? Dis t'ing only like work if you talk haole-kine?”;

Google:

» Tingly—Webster Online Dictionary: to tingle; prickling ...

» Holy Cane—Associated Press: Rioting youths raised holy cane in downtown Phoenix last night ...

”;Tha's it, brah, I not going try use this phone again until you learn pidgin, you punk.”;

Google:

» Thatcher, Margaret: Prime Minister of England from ...

» Bras—Victoria's Secret: 25 percent off selected styles ...

» Bragh—Erin Go Bragh: Gaelic, Ireland Forever ...

» Pigeon—Food TV: Braised pigeons in chocolate sauce ...

(Sound of iPhone crashing against a wall.)

Google:

» YouTube—Real Sex, Sex, Sex, Porno, Sexy Man, Oct. 21, 2003 ... Chief Grimes ... Add your comment ...