Barack Obama says he wants affordable health care for all Americans, but I think what we really need is affordable health care for pets.

My dog Boomer came down with an ear infection, and by the time I got him out of the vet clinic, it had cost me $400. Four hundred dollars for an inspection, ear drops, a few bottles of pills and a nail clipping. Maybe it was the nail clipping that pushed the cost over the top.

I figure Boomer and our lovebird, Sweety, have cost me about $89,000 over the past 15 years. And they were both FREE. The bird just flew into the house one day, and we got Boomer at the Humane Society. I couldn't even sell them for more than $45 as a package deal. A few years ago, Sweety got an egg stuck up her, well, where eggs are supposed to come out of, and it cost $200 to get it un-jammed. Seriously. I mean, if I knew it was going to cost that much, I would have just tried to fix it myself with a chopstick.

The trouble with pet health care is that every treatment available for humans is now available for pets. When Boomer's doctor was examining him, she said she noticed he seemed dizzy and disoriented. She said it could be from the ear infection but could also be a brain tumor. And then she actually asked me if I wanted him to have a CAT scan.

At first I thought she was joking. I thought if I said yes, she'd grab a cat out of the waiting room. (Ha! Ha!) But she wasn't joking. She thought I was going to order an actual multithousand-dollar CAT scan for a 15-year-old dog we got for free. I love Boomer, but if he has a brain tumor, he's just going to have to tough it out.

  Who knew that your average pets would be able to get things like CAT scans? And as if to emphasize just how close human and animal health care have become, the doctor actually gave me a prescription for Boomer's vertigo that I had to fill at Longs. I think when vets send you to a human pharmacy for drugs for your dog and charge you $400 for an ear infection and nail clipping, they ought to include a prescription for Xanax to keep the dog's owner relaxed.

I understand that pet care is expensive. It costs a lot for a veterinarian to get a college degree, almost as much as a regular doctor. They've got to be paid. But the cost of treating pets has gotten so high there are signs all over the vet clinic warning people that they have to pay up right then, or something bad is going to happen. Like what? You're going to keep Boomer? Hmmmm. Now THERE's an idea.

The people who run animal hospitals want universal pet health insurance more than anyone. That way, they wouldn't feel so much like Mafia dons shaking down clients for cash. And there are some animal health insurance plans already out there. But once it becomes universal, the system will get just as messed up as HMOs are today.

Boomer's doing fine now. He's back to his vigorous routine of sleeping 22 hours a day. And the vertigo pills were good for both of us.