I always use this time of year, Thanksgiving Day, to make a list of all the things we have to be thankful about, like cheap white wine. The world would be a miserable place without cheap white wine. Without cheap white wine, winos couldn't afford to be winos. They'd have to be wateros. And while the price of housing, gas, oil, cars and food continues to soar, cheap white wine remains, well, cheap.

  Here are some other things to be thankful for:

» Sensible shoes. Before the invention of sensible shoes, people were forced to wear shoes that were imprudent and lacking in wisdom. Not only were they damned uncomfortable, you could count on them to do something embarrassingly insensible when you were out with your friends.

» Dry statistics. To be at their best, statistics need to be as dry as possible. Wet statistics are highly unreliable. Statistics are extremely important because they provide context for things that happen in our lives. Without statistics we wouldn't know, for instance, that you are more likely to be attacked by a cow than a shark or more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than a poisonous spider. Or, according to a book I read, that you share a birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world. Think about that the next time you read your horoscope. Can 9 million people actually all have travel in their futures and romance in their evenings? Without statistics you would think getting killed by a falling vending machine is an extraordinarily rare event, when, in fact, at least 13 people a year are killed that way. So be careful when reaching for that soda.

» Practical mathematics. I'm not a numbers guy, but I'm told that before the invention of practical mathematics, in the year 1382, math was quite impractical. Two plus two equaled 43, for instance. And the square root of 12 was “;booger.”;

» Stainless steel. Be thankful you don't live in the days when you would see stained steel all over the place. It just made you want to cry.

» Happy coincidences. Before the advent of happy coincidences, coincidences were to be avoided at all costs. I mean, if you saw a coincidence coming at you, you had better cross the street, brother. There were occasionally so-so coincidences, but to be on the safe side, you avoided those, too. It really was just a happy coincidence that happy coincidences emerged at all.

  There are so many things to be thankful for that we can't list them all here—like, be thankful you don't suffer from papaphobia, the fear of popes. On this day I hope you put on your sensible shoes and avoid angry cows, poisonous spiders and vindictive vending machines, and by a happy coincidence meet up with friends and family and toast to your good fortune with a glass of cheap white wine. And if the cheap white wine is champagne, for cryin' out loud, watch out for the cork.

The last thing you want on Thanksgiving Day is to become a dry statistic.