I'm not a winker. I've tried but the results were disturbing. Especially to the person I was winking at. My wife. She called being on the receiving end of one of my winks “;oogie.”;

Winking had pretty much gone out of style until vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin resurrected the strange facial tic during her debate with Joe Biden. She winked at her grandmother, I think, but the shot hit all of us watching. Palin has a natural wink, sort of a happy blink accompanied by just the right amount of smile. Her wink seemed ironic. Kind of mysterious. It said, I know all of you can see it, but only Grandma knows what I'm winking about.

A wink is a kind of visual punctuation that can mean just about anything. It can be a promise, or a pact. When a beautiful woman winks it means someone is going to get lucky that night. But probably not you. I think Marilyn Monroe winked at President Kennedy when she sang happy birthday to him in that sequined dress that looked like it had been sprayed on. I'm pretty sure Kennedy got lucky that night. Her wink reminded the rest of the male population how pathetic their lives were.

On the other hand, a guy winking at a girl can win him a backhand across the kisser. Women who don't like to get winked at retaliate. And fast. That's why most guys don't wink. They don't know how to use it. And, like a loaded gun, a wink used in the wrong circumstances can be dangerous.

  A wink can also be a threat. Actor Christopher Walken is good at issuing threatening winks. Each time Walken winks in a movie, the recipient ends up dead. Walken uses winks as little harbingers of doom; little eyeball missiles that seem warm and fuzzy but carry fatal warheads.

I've always been a bit jealous of people who can pull off winking. Like Sarah Palin. Her wink is kind of charming. Especially when she caps it off with the phrase “;You betcha!”; I can't do “;you betchas”; either.

What your mouth does when you wink is almost as important as what your eye is doing. If you open your mouth real wide and squeeze your eye closed really hard it looks like you are having a seizure, not making a point. That's the way I wink. I can't wink without my mouth doing something weird at the same time. It scares children when I wink at them. They actually cry and run for their mommies.

When I do try to wink, I can only do it with my right eye. It's funny. I'm left-handed but right-eyed. When I try to just wink with my left eye, both eyes wink. When both eyes wink at the same time it isn't technically winking. It's trying to get your balance. Or just moistening your eyeballs. Hostages often blink out Morse Code with both eyes. If they tried to send a secret message with just one eye, rescuers would think they were just winking and not bother to try to save them.

Thanks to Palin, a lot of people are winking again. I see nothing good coming from it. Will a lot of guys' faces be slapped? You betcha.