A university study in Scotland has found that left-handed people are more shy and more likely to be embarrassed than right-handers, and most left-handers in the study agreed with the statement, “;Criticism or scolding hurts me quite a bit.”;

As a left-hander, I can only say that this study hurts me quite a bit.

And as a shy person (I am too!), I just wish all these pointy-headed geeks at universities would find someone to study besides left-handers. With the election of an African-American as the next president—and even though Barack Obama is left-handed—I believe left-handers are the last oppressed minority on Earth.

Yes, we left-handers are a mixed-up bunch of knuckleheads. But can you blame us? It all started in elementary school when we discovered that our little wooden desks were designed only for right-handers. What? They couldn't put ONE left-handed desk in the classroom? As a result, many left-handers had to contort themselves into something resembling a Cirque du Soleil performer in order to write the alphabet. Everyone thought we had escaped from the special-needs class and were surprised that we didn't come to school on the little bus.

And it only got worse as we grew older. Physical education classes were especially brutal, where in baseball we were forced to bat right-handed because, as one coach told me, “;batting left-handed is for girls.”; Same went for tennis, basketball and shot put. I might have been a national shot-put contender if I could have launched the ball with my “;good”; arm.

  Like a lot of lefties, I kept writing left-handed but played all sports (badly) right-handed. In later life I learned I actually had a pretty sweet left-handed shot from the top of the key in basketball. I was 43 years old by that time, playing basketball on my driveway, so the talent really didn't come in handy, so to speak.

The study from Abertay University also allegedly found that lefties worry more than righties about making mistakes. Hah! Anyone who reads this column knows that's not true. Just ask my editors. Not only do I make more mistakes than the average right-hander, but I make 183,000 of them at a time. (Editor's note: This newspaper's current circulation is NOT 183,000.)

Us lefties have had to learn to survive in a right-handed world, from using eating utensils to playing jan-ken-po. And a lot of lefties have done very well. Most U.S. presidents have been lefties. (Editor's note: No, they haven't.) The “;high-five”; was invented by a lefty. (Editor's note: Hardly). Jesus was left-handed. (Editor's note: He was ambidextrous.)

Researchers claim that for right-handers, the left half of their brains are dominant, but for lefties it's the right side, the side related to negative aspects of emotion. In reality the brain is split fore and aft, not port and starboard, and us lefties use the front half, where most of the really smart brain cells reside.

(Editor's note: Puh-leeeeze.)