The latest silly scientific research project alleges that man can learn to manage traffic jams by studying ants.

German technology scientist Dirk Helbing reports that after studying the transit habits of ants he concluded four rather not-so-amazing things human travelers and ants have in common:

» Like ants, humans are easily led.

» Crowds pick leaders and follow.

» Too many cars cause traffic jams.

» If you see a giant shadow of a boot coming down on you, run like hell.

Actually, I made up that last one. But I have a feeling it's one of the most important things ants learn early in life.

Seriously though, do we really need to get down on our hands and knees and watch a bunch of ants run around to know that too many cars cause traffic jams?

And I don't agree that, like ants, humans are easily led. I think it's more, like circus elephants, humans are easily led. Or trained aardvarks. It's not that humans are easily led, its just that we are restricted to roadways to get where we want to go. If we could fly, we wouldn't have to all use the same pavement.

I do agree that crowds pick leaders and follow. But, again, you don' t need to eyeball ants to figure that out. All you have to do is switch on the TV and see a million people turning out for Barack Obama's presidential acceptance speech. But there are more cases of leaders who pick crowds and force them to follow. I don't think those millions of starving people in North Korea had anything to do with picking their dear despot who leads them to misery.

  Herr Helbing's basic premise that ants have mastered the art of handling road congestion is also wrong. Not all ants move in organized fashion along some invisible “;scent freeway.”; Remember our discussion of the “;crazy ants”; of Christmas Island? They are called crazy ants because they run around like they are insane, never having mastered the ant's most basic skill: walking in line. Billions crazy ants crawl haphazardly all over Christmas Island, killing off millions of the famous red crabs the island is known for.

If Dr. Helbing really wants to study traffic problems, he should go to an island that is overrun with 60 million crabs and the crabs are overrun with 60 billion crazy ants. And NONE of them go in straight lines. How people actually live on Christmas Island is a mystery. I mean, every living thing there is something else's dinner entree. I don't think I'd get much sleep.

If anything, common ants like we have in Hawaii could learn more from us about commuting than we can learn from them. Like, they should really think about building some kind of mass-transit system. Maybe a miniature model train track route—sort of VERY light rail—could be set up between my garbage cans and the back yard. Then the ants could all pile into the freight and club cars and enjoy a relaxing commute to the day's rubbish.