A hypothetical person recently asked me how I can be so upbeat all the time.

“;You spread humor and good will across the land. No matter what troubles afflict the world, you seem to be a ray of sunshine, a beacon of positivity and inspiration. What's up with that, bubba?”; he said.

My secret lies in the personal rules of life I live by, boiled down into pithy, inspirational sayings. As far as I know, they are completely my invention, but if some sound familiar, let's hope lawyers aren't involved.

  Here are just a few to improve your day and your life.

» It takes more muscles to frown than to smile, but with a little practice you can get the hang of it.

» Life isn't fair, but then again, a fair isn't life. And, despite what Liza Minnelli might say, neither is a cabaret.

» It is disrespectful to argue with your elders. But if you do, make sure they are smaller than you are. Large elders can be dangerous.

» If you can keep your head when everyone around you is losing theirs, then you likely don't understand the seriousness of the problem.

» Beware the person who addresses you with the phrase “;With all due respect,”; because he is about to tell you what a sorry piece of humanity he thinks you are.

» Let a cloud be your umbrella.

» To thine own self, never use the word “;thine.”; Or to other people, either.

» The race often doesn't go to the swiftest, but to the one with GPS and a head start.

» A man is known by the company he avoids.

» If at once you don't succeed, try, try, try to find a nice corner bar where you can weep inconsolably into a large glass of scotch.

» Practice makes perfect, except when playing a piano. In that case, practice makes your neighbors want to smash your piano with a sledgehammer.

» If you come across a sheep in wolf's clothing, be very afraid, for that is one psychotic sheep.

» Pleasure bought with pain often costs extra.

» Discretion is the better part of valor, and fleeing is the better part of discretion.

» Pride goeth before a fall except when a drunk trips in front of the lion exhibit at the zoo. Then the fall goeth before the pride.

» Unfortunate is the man who learns from the happiness of others.

» Necessity is a mother.

» Persuasion is better than force but not as much fun.

» You'll catch more bees with honey, but it's gonna hurt.

» It's easy to kick a man when he's down. It's getting him down that's the hard part.

» United we stand, divided we can finally get the freakin' game of touch football going.

» You can lead a horse to water, but I wouldn't try it with an angry badger.

» Ask not what your country can do for you, but what has it done for you lately.

» A man of courage is also full of martinis.

» Life is short but death is forever. So stick with life while you can.