People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is always trying to keep the public abreast of animal rights issues, but their latest titillating publicity stunt might have gone too far.

(Damn. I promised myself I would make no breast-related puns and I've already made two. What a boob. Whoops. Three.)

By now you've heard that PETA is urging Ben & Jerry's to use human breast milk in their ice cream instead of cows' milk. This is such an udder ... I mean, completely stupid idea that's it's almost impossible to make fun of.

PETA Vice President Tracy Reiman said, “;The fact that human adults consume huge quantities of dairy products made from milk that was meant for a baby cow just doesn't make sense.”; Yeah. The fact that PETA wants human adults to consume milk that was meant for human babies doesn't make sense either.

Ben and Jerry, known for their liberal political leanings and their zany yet environmentally sensitive approach to running an ice cream production company, politely declined PETA's suggestion. Their Web site says they depend on tens of thousands of cows across Vermont to make ice cream. There are more cows providing milk to Ben & Jerry's in Vermont than Republicans. (Not Republicans giving milk, just Republicans in general.)

Doesn't PETA realize that if Ben & Jerry's started using human breast milk, all these cows would suddenly end up as steaks and chops? Does PETA want the blood of thousands of innocent, hard-working cows on their hands?

  There are many reasons why human breast milk should not be used for Ben & Jerry's ice cream, not the least of which are all the funny names Ben and Jerry would have to come up with for their new line. They would have to go from classics like “;Cherry Garcia”; and “;Phish Food”; to “;Grapy Gertrude”; and “;Phyllis Food.”; They'd also have to have a line of artificial formula ice creams like “;Similac Attack!”; and “;Geberliscious.”;

And Ben & Jerry's would have to change its logo from that cute-looking cow to something you might find on a Hooters menu.

Using human breast milk also could be a health hazard, authorities say. You'd have to make sure the donated human milk didn't contain contaminants like nicotine, alcohol, steroids, or worse, silicone.

PETA should be happy to know that Ben & Jerry's did stop selling it's ice cream named “;Bovinity Divinity.”; On B&J's Web site, “;Bovinity Divinity”; sits in the “;Flavor Graveyard”; with other flavors that didn't catch on. Its gravestone reads:

“;Where do all the cows go; When Heaven gives the word; This flavor kicked the bucket; When angels took the herd.”;

Thanks to Ben and Jerry (and no thanks to PETA), thousands of Vermont cows will not be sent to that Big Barbecue in the Sky.