Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger

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Big Media is in pocket of Big Mayo

The New York Times should change its nickname from "The Gray Lady" to "The Gunk Lady" now that it has exposed itself as being the pocket of Big Mayonnaise.

The great paper has been losing circulation because readers have noticed its radical editorial positions creeping into what should be straight news reporting. The most alarming example is its recent propaganda piece attempting to cover up one of the great health dangers in the world today, food poisoning by the dreaded white gunk, mayo.

The article starts off correctly pointing out that summer is the time of year when food poisoning spikes, and "one popular picnic ingredient that always attracts suspicion is mayonnaise."

Then the story careens into a thinly veiled puff piece for the mayonnaise industry and incredibly tries to convince readers that not only is mayo NOT a cause of food poisoning, but actually deters the growth of bacteria in such disgusting picnic dishes as chicken salad and ham salad.

Hah. Why is it that the only time people get sick eating ham is when it's mixed with the devil's condiment? And they cleverly avoid mentioning that even greater danger to public health, potato salad. Several scientific studies have shown that potato salad left on a picnic table for more than three minutes is more dangerous than a loaded revolver dropped in a baby stroller. (See: "Baby With Gun Safer Than Potato Salad," Journal for the Study of Deadly Side Dishes, Vol. 22/ February 1988).

It is no coincidence that the Organization of Mayo-Producing Countries (OMPC) has been in cahoots with the Organization of Oil Producing Countries (OPEC), manipulating the price of mayonnaise on the American market. Since unrefined crude oil is a key ingredient in the production of mayonnaise, the price of mayo has shot up from $2 a barrel to $356 a barrel in just the past six months.

As president and founder of the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club, I wouldn't care if a barrel of crude mayo cost $2,000, but it is unfair that corrupt petroleum speculators have been able to profit from the rise in gas prices while corrupt mayo speculators not only are free to gouge the deranged and pathetic mayo-eating public, but their fraudulent enterprise is covered up by the mainstream media, including the obviously bought-off New York Times.

The Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club demands that Congress immediately investigate both insidious mayonnaise futures speculators and the relationship between mayo industry lobbyists and major newspapers and television news programs. The unholy alliance between Big Media and Big Mayo not only is a serious public health danger, but a menace to homeland security.

Sadly, the New York Times, while trying to absolve mayo of being summer's most dangerous food additive, dares to suggest that hamburger is the real culprit in picnic food poisoning. That not only is untrue, but un-American.