Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger

---

Russian space roaches can’t beat our bugs

Russian space scientists are claiming to have created super-cockroaches in space, but disclosures about the cosmic creatures are less than impressive to anyone who has lived in Hawaii.

According to Novosti, the Russian news agency, cockroaches conceived aboard the Russian Foton-M bio-satellite are faster and hardier than mere terrestrial roaches.

"What's more, we have found out that the creatures run faster than ordinary cockroaches and are much more energetic and resilient," said research supervisor Dmitry "Comrade Bug" Atyakshin.

The Russians seem to want to start a space roach race to see which global superpower can create a super-species of cockroach. But what probably happened is they are merely putting the best face they can on the fact that they accidentally launched a roach-infested satellite into space.

When the satellite landed, the hatch was opened and roaches scattered all over the tundra, and mission controllers scrambled to cover their professional butts.

"Look at them run!" one of the scientists yelled as the roaches sprinted in every direction. "Our mission was a success!"

(The scientists claimed the bugs blasted off in a "special container," but how much do you want to bet the "special container" was an open tin of pickled mackerel a night watchman misplaced the day before liftoff?)

Hah. No Russian roach, even one born in zero gravity, can outrun a Hawaii roach, especially one conceived in my garage. Mine can dash from behind the lawn mower and run up your pants before you can say, "Holy cosmonaut!"

And I've found a way to make our Hawaii super-cockroaches run even faster. Just spritz them with that aerosol lubricant WD-40, and they run like the devil. In fact, it kills them faster than Raid. The WD-40 gets their big, hairy legs moving so fast they crash into the garage door and knock themselves out.

I notice the Russkys don't say anything about how being born in space improved their cockroaches' flying prowess. They know no cockroach anywhere on this planet (or any other planet) flies better than Hawaii's.

Talk about your UFOs (unimaginablybig flying organisms)! A Hawaii advanced and fully weaponized cockroach can take off vertically like a Harrier Jump jet, accelerate to Mach 10 like an F-18 Super Hornet fighter and make a pinpoint landing on your plate lunch like an Apache attack helicopter. Then he can fly away with your teriyaki chicken drumstick in his pincers while you're looking around for the WD-40 or a machete. (And our UFOs come with ETs -- extra-long tentacles.)

No, these so-called Russian "super space bugs" are nothing compared with our home-grown variety. When it comes to cockroaches, Hawaii's are out of this world.