2018 tech toys will beat all 2008 can offer

The Consumer Electronics show gets more boring every year. The top 2008 highlight: a 150-inch Panasonic plasma TV that was so big it had to be transported in the nose cone of a Boeing 747. To be fair, however, the remote control could easily fit on a Cessna Citation II CE-550.

But that was pretty much it. Fortunately, my buddy has a time machine to quell my impatience for cutting-edge gadgets, so we occasionally venture into the future this time of year to the 2018 CES, where things are a bit more interesting (at least from the perspective of my old-world sensibilities). Here are some of the highlights:

dfbrlltr: Old-timers used to "track" each other online by typing messages or sharing candid digital images on Web sites like Twitter, Flickr and YouTube. But thanks to 2018-era worldwide Wi-Fi, you can now literally feel how much your friends list really cares about you by letting its members reach out and jump-start your heart, at dfbrlltr.com (Web-spell for defibrillator).

In 2018, life's daily pressure cooker is beyond industrial strength. To combat the epidemic of cardiac arrhythmias, this online service allows you to let those you trust anywhere in the world monitor an always-on electrocardiograph of your heart. If your ticker goes on the fritz, your friends list will get an instant heads-up, and anyone in your extended network can then shock it back into gear with a few keyboard clicks.

Of course, with great ctrl-alt power comes great ctrl-alt responsibility. Those who join must pass a rigorous five-question multiple choice test before they can be trusted with premium "love-tap" authority. Be sure to bookmark the Web address -- after all, seconds count.

MacBook Stealth: Steve Jobs unveiled his latest "one more thing," and this time not seeing is believing. The Stealth is a beyond-thin ultra-uber sleek notebook computer that emits a low-level dampening field that bends light, making it invisible to anyone more than two feet away. Apple had their prototype proudly on display under a glass case, though security was keeping everyone at least 10 feet away. So, until 2019 only those cool enough to see can see it. Still, hundreds were standing in line to take pictures of nothing in order to be among the first to post it on their blogs. Many were seen typing into thin air claiming to have exclusive review copies, but those assertions could not be confirmed.

Global Social Positioning Systems (GSPS): Primitive 2008 GPS devices only show the best route from point A to point B, but second-generation devices will tell you which point B is filled with people who will treat you like a rock star. Software includes Global Credit Score Positioning (pack a U-Haul and move to a town where your Discover Card is enough to bribe the county's entire judiciary), Global Body Mass Index Positioning (just because you're the fattest in your family doesn't mean you can't be the thinnest in your ZIP code) and Global Aptitude Positioning (find the town that has a newspaper that not only prints the New York Times crossword puzzle, but will also put your picture on the front page for completing it).

Curt Brandao is the Star-Bulletin's production editor. Reach him at cbrandao@starbulletin.com. See also: www.digitalslob.com