Seeing kids’ pain

A nonprofit group helps overcome loss by dealing with kids on their own level

The death of a loved one can unleash feelings from sadness and despair to blame and guilt. But the loss of a parent can be especially devastating to children.

'Lost and Found' Photography exhibit: Wednesday to Sept. 3 Place: Macy's Ala Moana, first level Note: Display moves to Honolulu Hale from Jan. 14 to 25

"It's like they lost their childhood," said Cynthia White, executive director and co-founder of Kids Hurt Too. "We often don't recognize children's grief because their grief doesn't look like ours."

Kids don't often cry -- they tend to show their grief through behavior. Playing games, making crafts and reading books together are avenues for helping children share their feelings, explained White. They need support, not advice.

Kids Hurt Too, a nonprofit agency that provides grief counseling and support to children who have lost one or both parents through death, divorce or separation, was the chosen organization to participate in this year's ProjectFocus program.

Photographers Laurie Breeden Callies and Lisa Uesugi began ProjectFocus three years ago -- offering photography as a means of enhancing self-esteem, self-awareness and self-reflection.

Using the narrative process of photography, children are provided tools to help find their way back into a safe place where healing can continue. Their images are put on display, and both participant and photo subject write statements to post alongside the photos.

"The number of children affected by parental loss in our state is staggering and spans all social-economic levels. Lisa and I have been deeply moved by the stories we've heard from this year's participants, and we hope ProjectFocus Hawaii can provide a beacon of light along their journey of healing," Callies said.

Macy's, one of the program's sponsors, treated the 13 child participants to a shopping spree, allowing each to choose an outfit for opening night using $100 gift cards. Each child also received a pair of shoes and a backpack and school supplies. They were also treated to a hairstyle at Macy's salon and breakfast at the Pineapple Room.

The program has been helpful, according to White. The children are able to focus on someone who has helped them during their time of grief, as opposed to solely focusing on their loss.

White used surfing as a metaphor for grief: "We may get knocked off, but get back on the board. The waves never stop, but you learn how to ride them."

A pictorial exhibit at Ala Moana Macy's shows children overcoming heart-wrenching grief

When 16-year-old Sasha Sumner's mother died of breast cancer, she not only lost a parent, but also the "ability to have fun and the desire to do things."

ProjectFocus Hawaii Founded by Laurie Breeden Callies of Baby Face Productions and Lisa Uesugi of Utopia Photography to enhance children's lives through the art of photography » Visit www.ProjectFocus-Hawaii.com Kids Hurt Too Meets at borrowed locations in Kaneohe and Aiea, with a permanent center to open in the fall » Call 735-2989 or visit www.kidshurttoo.org

As expression of her grief, Sasha began stealing clothes, purses and accessories from Macy's, selling them at school so she would have money to buy food and clothes for herself.

She felt left out of everything. Just looking at family members reminded Sasha of her loss.

"I could see my mom passing away for years. It was just really hard," she said. "I got into a lot of trouble and did anything to keep my mind off things at home."

"All of the kids have lost one or both of their parents. ... Their stories are heart-wrenchingly hopeful," said Laurie Breeden Callies, co-founder of ProjectFocus.

"Programs like ProjectFocus are important to organizations such as ours as they help our children deal with their loss in a positive and meaningful manner," said Cynthia White, executive director for Kids Hurt Too. "It's very valuable -- giving the child a chance to home in on someone who has been supportive in their grief."

Sumner chose her dad, Reed, as the significant person in their life to photograph. "For a long time, my dad and I didn't get along. Things have gotten better. He has proven to me that he is always there for me."

Sasha's father was in prison and absent from her life for some time. The photography sessions brought them closer, she explained, and they've both found the strength to turn their lives around.

Sumner also made amends with Macy's and was granted a second chance. She had been banned from Macy's stores but will be allowed back in for the photography exhibit.

Reed added, "We together can still have hope, because it's not where we've been, but it's the direction we are headed in that really counts."

Austin Fernandez misses playing board games with his mom and the simple pleasures of being together. When asked what he longs for most, he replied, "Just having her around and talking to her."

Thirteen-year-old Austin spent countless nights crying himself to sleep, learning to cope after his mother died of cancer nearly two years ago. The blame, shock and trauma are slowly being chipped away, thanks to Kids Hurt Too, a local agency that helps grieving children.

Austin has begun sharing his feelings while surfing, going to movies and visiting dolphins with the agency's co-founder and program director Masahiro Ito, who was also orphaned, at age 2. Growing up in an orphanage, Ito was known as "the boy who cried," and can relate to Austin's suffering.

Chosen to participate in the "Lost and Found" photography exhibit through ProjectFocus, Austin picked Michael Meek-Canon, his sister's boyfriend, as his subject. "He takes me fishing and teaches me how to dive," he said.

Austin has been living with his sister and Meek-Canon since his mother's death and leans on Meek-Canon when he is feeling down.

Meek-Canon said, "I am proud of Austin because he's come a long way."

Lisa Uesugi, co-founder of ProjectFocus, said she was "really drawn" to Austin's photo. "The kids have to find their own place. His photo seems very peaceful, not lonely," she said. "It's almost as if it reflects how Austin is feeling. ... If we leave him alone to do his own thing, he will come around when he is ready."

Both Uesugi and Laurie Breeden Callies, co-founder of ProjectFocus, have educational backgrounds. "We put cameras in kids' hands, but we approach it as educators first and photographers second. We wanted to meld both of our professions to help kids in need -- be it socioeconomic, mental health, at risk or grieving, as in this case -- and give them a voice, a skill and confidence to do something new."