Feral ducks have Manoa residents quacking up
Poor Manoa. It seems the once peaceful valley has yet another varmint to deal with.
The important issue of the night at a recent Manoa Neighborhood Board meeting was the feral ducks that had taken up residence in Manoa Stream -- as if devastating periodic floods were not enough for the long-suffering community.
My first reaction was: "How could a duck be 'feral'? That refers to animals that are pests, like pigs and cats -- not that noble flying creature, the duck!" But when you think about it, there are domestic ducks, so what was formerly known as a "wild duck" is now a "feral duck." At least to people who wish to stigmatize the bird as a nuisance.
And, yes, this is just what they are attempting to do. Sen. Brian Taniguchi, who addressed the board, had received complaints that our web-footed friends are making a lot of noise at night "mating and fighting" and otherwise carrying on. And, of course, we all know about duck doodoo.
The good senator, who in his long and distinguished career has had to deal with many Daffy issues at the Legislature, promised to give the matter his attention. "But," he said, "the problem would not be easy to solve. How can you separate out the invaders?"
Apparently, the feral mallards are making love to our local Koloa ducks, producing "hapa" ducks, if you like. I could just see some Department of Land and Natural Resources officer tearing into the flock to sort out the good quackers from the bad. But the senator did come up with something that would put a feather in his cap: "Don't feed the ducks or ducklings, even though they may be cute!" Kind of like how Democrats treat Republicans in this state.
The next speaker, former board member James Harwood, pointed out that the bad feral ducks could possibly be consuming invasive species of fish. Like a good bureaucrat, he suggested that we study the situation further before taking action. Board members, who were possibly considering alerting DLNR, looked somewhat startled by this piece of news.
Following Harwood, Larry Reuther, the head of the Department of Commerce and Consumer Affairs, told us that a resident had reported gun shots -- which he attributed to hunters' trying to bag Manoa's now-infamous feral boars. Now, I could imagine the DLNR declaring an open season on both pigs AND ducks in Manoa Valley. Every able-bodied man with a rifle or shotgun would be up there, blasting away! How would the neighbors like that?
Ducks? Fish? Pigs? Dogs? Yes, the pig hunters' dogs are attacking the goats! Where did THEY come from? What's next? Wallabies? It's a zoo up there! We're not getting any sleep! Bring back Peter Young!
I think the mess could easily be solved by opening up a new Chinese restaurant at the Manoa Shopping Center that specialized in wild game.
"You'd like the Peking Duck with char siu? If you don't mind waiting, sir, we're sending someone up the valley right now!"
C. Richard Fassler was a member of the Manoa Neighborhood Board from 1995 to 2005.