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Honolulu Lite
Charles Memminger
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Hoax shakes up dummies
NEWS ITEM: Thousands of gullible island residents were
alarmed over the weekend by warnings of an impending earthquake and tsunami that turned out to be a hoax. Some residents flocked to gas stations to fill up their cars. Others evacuated beach areas out of fear of the phantom tidal wave.
As a result of this mini-mass-hysteria, Civil Defense is considering adding an intelligence test to its public safety announcements. Here is one proposal:
"This is a test of the Civil Defense Emergency Statewide Intelligence Level Assessment System. Three guys down at a Kalihi Quik-Mart Gas Station and Loitering Area drinking malt liquor out of paper bags believe there will be a large earthquake sometime tonight. They say they heard from knowledgeable friends in the Honolulu Police Department, well, actually the Police Department lockup, that the earthquake threat is very real. It is expected to come in at 563.2 on the Rectum Scale, the international measure of earthquakes.
"In contrast, the large earthquake off of the Big Island last month registered only 6.3 on the Rectum Scale out of a possible 1,500. One man said a friend of his uncle's cousin, who took an actual science class during his six years of high school, told him that an earthquake larger than 500 on the Rectum Scale would cause a massive origami, an ocean wave five times bigger than a tsunami. He pointed out a tsunami is a wave manufactured in Japan that is 10 times bigger than regular old American-made tidal waves and half the cost.
"If the predicted earthquake happens to be as large as 1,000 on the Rectum Scale, then an even larger wave will be generated, a tatami. The only place in Hawaii safe from a giant tatami wave would be the very tip of Mauna Kea. But since a 1,000 Rectum Scale earthquake would reduce Mauna Kea, you'd be out of luck there.
"If you believe a major earthquake and tatami will happen tonight based on the prediction of three guys outside a Quik-Mart, run out into the street now, wave your hands in the air and scream, 'The sky is falling! The sky is falling!'
"This concludes this test of the Emergency Statewide Intelligence Level Assessment System. Civil Defense now has a better idea of the number of knuckleheads in the state. Look up and wave at the man in the helicopter taking your picture."
For the record, nothing in science or nature can predict earthquakes, even nervous Chihuahuas. If that guy's friend's uncle's cousin had taken one more year of high school science, he would have known that.
Charles Memminger, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2004 First Place Award winner for humor writing, appears Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. E-mail
cmemminger@starbulletin.com