Podcasts take long stares at coupledom

WHILE no Digital Slob has officially raised procrastination to an art form just yet (I would, but I just ate an entire box of Nilla Wafers and my stomach hurts), our dutiful delaying of marriage has been detected by government types who do occasionally do stuff, if only once a decade -- the Census.

In 1980, only 6 percent of men and 5 percent of women avoided the wedding-aisle gauntlet well into their 40s. But by 2004, an estimated 16.5 percent of past-his-prime-smells-bad-for-no- reason men had yet to get hitched, along with 12.5 percent of why-is-she-still-wearing-a-belly-ring-someone- should-talk-to-her women.

But there's good reason to fear marriage -- as part of one, I can tell you that no one can really know what goes on behind closed doors. While I can't be as authoritative as the Census, I'd say dark, unspeakable things are common in roughly 100 percent of them, plus or minus zero percent.

Married people look at each other's moles in a magnifying glasses, scream over the last Twinkie until the police arrive, and dress up like Boris and Natasha from "The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show" on nights other than Halloween -- "for the good of the relationship." I dare not continue.

But, if you're compelled to peak further inside, check out these couples podcasts. For single people, they're like audio roller coasters -- scary fun in a controlled environment:

The Eclectic Review (audio): Some couples do all the work at dinner parties. They ask idea-driven questions that can keep you distracted enough to sit next to your rotten stepmother -- that hag that's robbing your dad blind -- until coffee and dessert arrives. Listen as such a pair, Glory and Stuart, settle what "life" means in eight minutes flat, then pan all the bad reviews for the latest "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie. You'll be tempted to drag them to your in-law's for Thanksgiving, but they're probably already booked (eclectic.libsyn.com).

The #2 Show (audio): Canadians Sam and Cara may only be in their 20s, but they've already figured out a key Digital Slob secret to existence -- the highest point is smack dab the middle of life's Bell Curve. Sam, a perpetual student, dreams of owning a mo-ped. Cara is addicted to Wal-Mart and longs to learn how to curse in Swedish. Both set the pace in the middle of the rat race for "all who strive to be ordinary." They do this by shopping for futons and watching every episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." It's not the best podcast out there, but if you follow its own logic, that's what makes it (almost) great (number2show.com).

Bucket (audio): Stuck in "Nowhereville," Jen and Corey keep their sanity on life support by poking at each other until all their insanity pours out. They then record it, and upload it to the Web. Corey keeps you up-to-date on Hershey Bears hockey (hockey is this thing large hairy mammals do on ice, apparently while eating milk chocolate -- look it up on Wikipedia). Jen details her workplace's haunted handicapped toilet. There's a lot of insanity here. Too much, really. Eventually it'll all have to be shipped to Nevada and buried at the Yucca Mountain Repository -- but for now it's deemed safe in weekly doses (bucketpodcast.blogspot.com).

Next week: more favorites.

Curt Brandao is the Star-Bulletin's production editor. Reach him at cbrandao@starbulletin.com. See also: www.digitalslob.com