What the Heck? John Heckathorn

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Miss Bible Belt says no!

What A Drag: KITV's Keoki Kerr has landed the part of Frankie Cavalier, the cheesy emcee, in Manoa Valley Theatre's upcoming production of "Pageant," a campy send-up of beauty contests.

Kerr plays the only male character in the show. The rest are contestants in the fictional "Miss Glamouresse" beauty -- oops, scholarship -- pageant. There's Miss West Coast, Miss Deep South, Miss Bible Belt and so forth. Last week, when the theater called for auditions, it said flatly, "There are no parts for women."

Still, a local woman cornered director Randl Ask at a party and demanded to be considered. Said she, "I can pass for a transvestite."

"That certainly looked to be true," says Ask, "but I told her no. Emphatically."

Ask helped create the original off-Broadway production of "Pageant" in New York, playing the role of Miss Bible Belt himself.

Hands off the Offering: New Hope Christian Fellowship's large-scale Easter services this weekend are at neither the Blaisdell Center nor the Waikiki Shell. One of the problems: ordnance that requires the city get 10 percent of all proceeds. "That included church collections," notes New Hope Senior Pastor Wayne Cordeiro, a policy he felt "wasn't super-good in terms of separation of church and state."

This year Cordeiro's mega-church is holding services at Sand Island State Recreation Area -- an area that for the past few years New Hope has helped clean up as a public service project. Total attendance at the church's four Easter services is expected to top 20,000.

Act II: A week ago Friday, I attended Act II, a fundraiser for Hawaii Opera Theatre -- one of a dozen men in room full of 250 women. Like most of the men, I was at the bar, when suddenly the room emptied of women, all of them scurrying down the hall at the Convention Center.

The women hadn't paid $50 just to attend the party. They'd paid to have first crack at the room next door, which held racks and racks of vintage clothes. Opera supporters had donated their "gently worn" designer duds, which were being sold at bargain prices, $10 for a pair of Ferragamo pumps or $60 for a cashmere cardigan with mink trim.

The women rushed the racks. Often, when one woman grabbed something, another would follow her to see if she actually bought it. There were dressing areas curtained off along the side; women piled into them four and five at a time, with arms full of clothes.

I scribbled down what I overheard:

"You stay away, I fought hard for that dress."

"You're lucky we're not the same size -- or I'd rip that right off you."

"It says it's a medium. How come it doesn't fit?"

"I was trying on a hat and a woman snatched it right off my head. So I told her I had ukus."

The sale opened to the public Saturday and Sunday. "By Saturday afternoon, we had to shut down," says HOT Executive Director Karen Tiller. "Almost everything was gone."

The sale raised $35,000 for the opera. "You can bet we're going to do it again next year," says Tiller.

Bending Over Backward: During last Wednesday's wingding at Inspirations Furniture, performers from Cirque Hawaii provided entertainment. Among them was Mongolian contortionist Ganchimeg "Gana" Oyunchimeg. Gana, wearing a skintight gold lame suit, can bend so far backward that she frames her face with her feet while standing on her hands.

Inspirations' Jouett Colgan introduced her by saying, "All the women will wish they could do half of what she does. All the men will drool."

Brickwood Moves On: "That's supposed to be on the down low," said Brickwood Galuteria when I called him, "but it's true." Galuteria has decided not to run for re-election as Democratic Party chairman when his term expires next month. However, he's not ruling out a run for elective office.

Literary Heights: Two dozen authors are flying into town for next weekend's Hawaii Book and Music Fair. Connie Soga-Moore of Events International is in charge of hotel reservations. "Writers are nice but peculiar," she says. "One was claustrophobic and had to have a window that opened."

Quite a few others had to have extra-long beds. New York-based bestselling writer Kiana Davenport told Soga-Moore she was a "string bean," more than 6 feet.

"She wasn't the only one. Who knew writers were all so tall?" says Soga-Moore. "You can't tell from the photos on the book jacket."

Duck! The Food Network's "Challenge Show" will be taping three episodes May 16-18 at the Sheraton Keauhou on the Big Island. You're welcome to join the audience; free tickets are available by calling the Sheraton Keauhou. But I might be cautious. One of the shows is called "Flying Knives."