12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
Cute or tacky, freaky or funny, some items set new standards for outrageousness
A dozen days of gift ideas
First of 12 parts
Most gifts, as long as they are offered with good intentions, are never truly tacky. But sometimes due to a lack of time, a temporary lapse of sanity or a smidgen of cheapness, we have all bought someone something that turned out to be a bad idea.
While we do promise to bring thoughtful gift ideas for friends and family in our "12 Days of Christmas" countdown, we thought we'd kick things off with another kind of list.
Here are the cheapest gifts -- in price as well as taste -- that we could find. Think of them as the worst gift ideas under $25. Or, perhaps, the worst ways to spend $25 or less.
Of course, we also realize that what's hideous to one person is fabulous to another, so these items just might turn out to be perfect for someone on your list. There's no accounting for taste, after all.
But back to our premise: While there will no doubt be those who receive diamonds, a weekend getaway or something equally romantic or conventional, most of us are more likely to receive -- or even give -- gifts off of another list: gifts you should not give. Think the singing carps of Christmases past, the singing flowerpots with built-in microphones, the holiday-themed toilet seat cover, the Furby, the cubic zirconium ring that wasn't even cubic zirconium.
Truth is, it is often the worst gifts that people remember -- there was the friend who received an ice cube tray from her well-off sister and husband; the brother who received three individually wrapped "Hawaii" souvenir T-shirts with the reduced-price tags still on them (and two shirts were identical). But in the true spirit of Christmas, most of us don't like to give gifts that make people sad.
Finally, remember that "cheap" and "inexpensive" are not the same thing. The most hideous gifts we came across -- holidays sweaters with faux leopard trim, for example -- were well over any reasonable person's budget.
It's the thought that counts, it's true. Just think twice about any of these gifts:
Sleepwear you could spare
Big, fluffy Homer Simpson slippers that stare back up at you -- so, so cute. But some people just won't appreciate the giant, yellow clown shoes. But at least they're not Batman paraphernalia or something.
» Seller: Payless, $12.99
» Tacky or cute? Cute as a (big, yellow) button.
» Returnable: Yes, but why bother?
Fuzzy pajamas pair nicely with slippers, but some are better than others. While the over-dyed blue coloring might fade on these, the giant snowflake pattern will not. Even if they're just for home, other people will still see them. Think of them first.
» Seller: Old Navy, "micro fleece pants," $15
» Tacky or cute: Comfy but not cute.
» Returnable: Yup.
Stocking stuffer
In its own category is a little gem called noise putty, guaranteed to imitate the worst of the sounds associated with the human body. With packaging marked with blurbs such as "disgusting! Great fun!" what's not to love?
» Seller: Safeway. "Flarp" noise putty, $2.99
» Returnable: How cheap are you? And trying to return "noise" putty? C'mon, have some pride. Nephews and nieces under 5 (or "South Park" fans) who are still amused by bodily functions will be pleased.
Ticky, tacky touristy stuff
Pineapple-themed household objects might be cute for SpongeBob, but not for you. Don't overdo it, unless you plan to intentionally overdo it.
» Hilo Hattie wind chime, $9.99
Guys: Sure, the most expensive things are the best promoted, but the most appreciated items are ones that are sentimental and thoughtful, gifts that say one is appreciated and loved. Items that would be at home on the dashboard along with the fuzzy dice, pulsating stereo and Playboy air fresheners are usually not such items.
» Kmart dashboard hula pigs, $9.49
While the jiggling, gyrating Santa might fare a little better (there's also a Mrs. S version), you'll be bored with the musical novelty by next year or in a week or so, whichever comes first. Bonus: off button.
» Hilo Hattie musical Santa, $16.99
Don't forget to add tiki-shaped candles, salt and pepper shakers, and TV protectors to this category. What makes the slightly melted tiki candle below so special is the wick hanging out of its belly button.
» Tiki candles, $4.19, again from Hilo Hattie (which has very nice salespeople, by the way -- you might feel a little guilty making returns).
All items in this category are returnable with receipts. Are they tacky or cute? Gloriously tacky. Revel in them or return them.
Insufferable footwear
Ballet shoes? Definitely. Purple, sure. Checked print, maybe. Imitation tweed, never, and not all four characteristics together. Even if you are the most free-spirited of free spirits, you'll have trouble merging these shoes with an outfit. The questionable items have been in the clearance bin for the last two seasons. While fashionistas might argue tweed ballet flats were once trendy, never were fake tweed prints in style.
» Tacky or cute? Just ugly.
» Old Navy tweed ballet slippers, $9.49
» Returnable? Yes.
Ornaments with attitude
One might think that the cheaper the gift, the tackier it would be. Not so. Holiday sweaters disprove this theory. While we all have an inner nerd, some of us choose to wear it on our sleeve(s). Others, harmlessly, choose to show their spirit through the acquisition of new ornaments every year, such as the beautiful, organic starfish, above, with a Santa's head needlessly tacked to the end of it. The humanity ...
» The Islands' Best, $10
» Returnable: Not seasonal items. Re-gifting is usually a bad thing, but in this case, so, so, good.
Gadgets that grin at you
While we appreciate and promote recycling in Hawaii and lament the dearth of centers, has it come to this? This smiling frog is one step removed from crushing cans against your forehead. Note that it came beautifully wrapped pre-sale, and while the packaging was pretty, the item is on the useless side, which is the true meaning of tacky anyway. And why was it the only item wrapped in the store, hmm?
» The Complete Kitchen, frog can crusher, $17
» Returnable: If not removed from box
Pity the pet
Cute and fun for you, but for your pet, uncomfortable. Strip off the jacket (and the reindeer antlers) and let Rover, Fido or Jack run as free and as far as the neighborhood association will let him.
» Old Navy, "Frost Free" fleece-lined dog jacket, $19.50; dog reindeer headband, $5
» Returnable: Yes
Coming up
OK, this was fun, but we promise to be more positive about our suggestions as our series continues.
Tomorrow: T-shirts make a fashion statement
