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Digital Slob
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Post-mortem gadgets
have grave problems
Immortality is a tempting idea, if only because it's the only logical way to catch up on all the "CSI" spinoffs. Still, most Digital Slobs are resigned to living a finite existence.You don't have to be a Respectable Person to realize that without deadlines, nothing would get done. We only think we wait an eternity in Taco Bell drive-thrus -- imagine if that was literally the case.
But despite all the advances in the 21st century, the death industry is still mostly steeped in the traditions of the 17th.
This explains why Digital Age innovations have yet to really take off in the bereavement sector. It's sure not due to a lack of entrepreneurial effort.
One company, Vidstone LCC (vidstone.com) plans to offer, but has yet to sell, $1,500 headstones with durable, solar-powered video screens that provide 5- to 7-minute movie montages of the deceased, complete with headphone jacks. But are we ready to make "dancing on someone's grave" socially acceptable?
And mylastemail.com, a 2003 startup that vowed to send out your e-mails to select people once you died, seems to be in a state of reorganization. The snag here is if you've got a secret key to someone's heart -- or to a safety deposit box full of Krugerrands for that matter-- usually the more rewarding thing to do is to get it off your chest while your chest is still moving up and down.
Still, some people always want to kill the messenger, and a service like this might prove useful for beating them to the punch. In this spirit, I came up with a couple of tentative e-mails of my own:
"Hey Big Bro, just a short note from a ghost to let you know way back in 1978 when we were kids I broke your new $59.95 mail-order skateboard with the ball-bearings in the wheels, even though you told me to never touch it.
"I know I said Mark Dupree stole it and we called the cops and they took him downtown, but the truth is it got away from me and a truck ran over it. Sorry, dude. I would've told you then, but I wanted to live at least long enough to see 'Superman: The Movie.'
"Though I doubt he even remembers this silly incident, I'm also cc'ing this e-mail to Mark to save you the trouble. I understand he's now serving 20 to life at Angola State Penitentiary, but I think he comes up for parole every six months or so. Maybe you two can catch up soon and have a big laugh about all this. Cheers! cc: inmate21742@angola _statepenitentiary.gov."
tcolvin3@hotmail.com
"Hey Tre, guess you heard I kicked the bucket. Don't freak out. I bought this service that sends out e-mails after I croak and you got one.
"It's sort of like a Willy Wonka Golden Ticket, only it's not random, there's no chocolate and I'm dead. Otherwise, it's exactly the same thing.
"Anyway, back in 1989 we were playing poker in the dorm and there was $250 in the pot. I went all in, you folded, and I refused show my cards. Well, I had nothing man, ace high, that's it. Garbage.
"Ha! Take that! Sucker! Loser! Whoo-hoo! Hey look everybody, 'Dead Man Bluffing!!!'"
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