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GPS tracks
poor parenting
via satellite

You don't have to see too many Digital Slobs walking out of Italian restaurants -- with shirts so sauce-stained we look like Freddy Krueger's sparring partner -- to conclude we're still in dire need of adult supervision.

But it's better to grow up amassing a wardrobe worthy of the Marinara Museum of Modern Art than to be so coddled you're not allowed to leave home until Mom and Dad baby-proof the University of Michigan.

Sadly, making your own mistakes, and privately taking your own measure of whether any variety of over-the-counter stain removers will clear them up before facing the folks, is proving much more difficult in the interconnected Digital Age.

They say the acorn never falls far from the tree, and thanks to new GPS gadgets, this theorem can be constantly monitored to within a radius of three meters or less.

Business is booming for child-tracking services, from the not-so-subtly named "Teen Arrive Alive" (teenarrivealive.com) that follows adolescent movements via cell phones, to the CarChip, a black-box-like device that can tattletale to Dear Ol' Dad just how hard you braked his Lexus to avoid a fender bender while hooting at cheerleaders in the parking lot after Homecoming.

Teen Arrive Alive's online FAQ is a must-read. On how to convince your child to play along, the company says it "realizes that teens may resist the idea of someone 'watching' their driving. ... We feel the biggest motivation must come from parents."

I would think such motivation is triggered by the succinct phrase, "It's either this or the military academy, buddy!"

Another question wonders if the bumper decal (a "how's my driving?" 800-number) comes in a removable magnetic version so parents won't have to filter out all the anonymous voicemails from irate roadsters that are actually directed at their felonious driving habits.

The company replies, "No ... (because) it could be easily removed by the teen." Yet three questions down, if you want to sell the car, they advise using "a hairdryer to heat and then remove the decal."

It makes you wonder if the company also offers a teen hairdryer tracking system.

Of course, the instinct to protect one's children is as strong as it is valid, but parents should remember that they were kids, too, once -- and ideally it's a temporary state. They should especially recall that time their second-grade teacher had them take home a science project that involved placing three potted seedlings on the windowsill -- the first would get no water, the second the right amount and the third way too much -- the Earth-science curve ball being that more attention is not always better.

Unfortunately, for all the kids thirsty for any kind of parental support, there are also quite a few being constantly doused with an over-protective garden hose.

So, before you have your heirs bugged more than the U.S. Consulate Office in Beijing, consider talking to them using an interface more intimate than your Treo 650.

Perhaps you'll discover they can be reasoned with, even trusted to put one foot in front of the other using their own self-contained GPS system that God installed in them.

Sooner or later, they'll need the practice.