JAMM AQUINO / JAQUINO@STARBULLETIN.COM Tom Merrill and Bobbie Sandoz-Merrill use a bowl of apples to represent values necessary to a good relationship.

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Don’t fall victim to
myths of marriage

CORRECTION Friday, September 2, 2005 » Tom Merrill and Bobbie Sanchez-Merrill wrote a freelance column on relationships distributed by Cox News Service-New York Times, but no longer do so. An article in the Monday Today section incorrectly stated that they were still writing the column. The Honolulu Star-Bulletin strives to make its news report fair and accurate. If you have a question or comment about news coverage, call Editor Frank Bridgewater at 529-4791 or email him at corrections@starbulletin.com.

Tom Merrill had given up on intimate relationships. At age 60, after two failed marriages, he had endured enough.

"Settle for More: You Can Have the Relationship You Always Wanted Guaranteed" by Tom Merrill and Bobbie Sandoz-Merrill (SelectBooks, $21.95, 2005) Book Signings Friday: Barnes & Noble, Kahala Mall, 7 p.m. (includes discussion with Merrills) Saturday: Borders Waikele, noon Sunday: Borders Ward Centre, 2 p.m. Five Myths of Relationships Marriage is hard work: Marriage need not be harder than courtship, often identified as one of the happiest times of a person's life. Marriage has its up and downs: Marriage can and should always go up; there is no reason for it to ever go down. Marriage requires compromise: Compromise assures that nobody gets what they want, whereas a "third story" is not only more easily obtained, but gets everyone's vote. Fighting is important for the health of your marriage: There is never any excuse for fighting. All opinions can be delivered politely, even lovingly. It's natural for romance to fade: Being in love is a wonderful state, so why kill it with rapid decline in civility the moment wedding vows are said? Source: Tom Merrill and Bobbie Sandoz-Merrill

But things changed the day he literally ran into Bobbie Sandoz.

As he bounded around a corner after a morning of paddling, a large cup of coffee in hand, he bumped into the woman he'd had a crush on in the eighth grade. "I ended up spilling coffee all over the both of us," he said.

Sandoz was going through a divorce, but the two agreed to hook up after everything was settled. They met, fell in love and eventually wed.

Friends and family members extended warnings, things like, "Enjoy it because it won't last."

So the couple started to question why relationships fail.

Tom and Bobbie decided to commit to a marriage that could succeed, despite the odds. "If you are not clear on what you want, it is a crap shoot at best," said Tom. "I firmly believe that nothing is more important than relationships."

Tom Merrill is a clinical psychologist and past president of the Hawaii Psychological Association; Bobbie is a therapist and parenting specialist. Together they write a column on relationships carried by the Cox News Service.

They say that the way most couples culturally view and conduct relationships is the primary reason that more than 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, they said, and why 93 percent of couples that stick it out report being unhappy.

"We fall in love, get married and then return to single life. Too much separation loosens the glue. It whittles away at the sense of a real bond," Bobbie said.

"During courtship we are on our best behavior," she added. But after the vows are taken, the "comfortable self" evolves, with less desirable personality traits.

"The switch is often abrupt, leaving people to wonder what they signed up for," said Tom.

Their motto: "The only way to get the relationship you want is to literally create it."

Part of that process is to dismiss the idea of compromise as a way to solve differences. "When you compromise, nobody gets what they want," said Bobbie.

Instead, when they disagree, they search for what they call a "third story."

"We don't argue," said Tom. "We look at all of the elements because we want to meet each other's needs."

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JAMM AQUINO / JAQUINO@STARBULLETIN.COM When the Merrills have differences, they write out their points of view to seek a "third story," or a solution that satisfies both their needs.

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A simple example would be when Bobbie wants to play tennis and Tom wants to go to the beach. They find the reasons behind their choices -- in this situation it is "sun" and "exercise" -- and find a way to get both.

Using this model, there is "no such thing as being right," Tom said. "There is no reason to be right."

Compromise, on the other hand, allows one person to get their way, he said. Over time, "they get tired of arguing and begin to lead their own lives. This separates people and creates a space. That is why people say they have grown apart."

He added, "We don't agree to disagree. It is not in our vocabulary."

Tom also likes using a bowl of apples to represent relationship values. Each apple represents one necessary attribute, such as honor, honesty, spirituality, loving, commitment, intimacy or passion. Seamless communication tops both of their lists.

"We see billions of images a day on how to settle for less in our relationships -- in television shows, parents, friends and movies," said Tom. "Other relationships look attractive and marriage begins to look unattractive."

Most people long for a "safe, intimate, loving, permanent, long-term relationship with another person," he said "In all of us, there is a very special part of us that we don't get to reveal to other people," but that true self can be revealed in a safe and stable relationship.

"Nobody is good enough to just show up and make it work," said Tom.

The first step for unhappy couples is to evaluate their current levels of desire and commitment to each other. People in unhappy, long-term marriages tend to "waste their youth," said Bobbie. "Life is precious. If it is not the right relationship, why stay in it?"