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Future offers drugs
to cope with drugs

On my latest, barf-filled junket to the 2018 Consumer Electronics Show, I somehow found myself in the Health and Beauty section, looking for a free sample of some futuristic Tums or Dramamine for the return trip.

No luck. But here's some more sneak peaks that might churn your curiosity as much as the trip churned my innards:

Hash-brown bars: After the Journal of the American Medical Association came out with its definitive report on the risks of secondhand belching, fast food was all but banned in America by 2014. However, as with all things recently forbidden, cottage industries have sprung up catering to those still haunted by a sinful, saturated-fat soft spot.

Certain dude ranches outside Las Vegas and Reno have seen a surge in popularity, for example, by using their heads of cattle to provide a refuge for shunned Burger Kings and McDonalds restaurants, now mere naughty whispers of their former selves. Many husbands who once secretly ate Big Macs before dinner (in mid-commute back home) now must resort to faking business trips while sporting dark glasses and pseudonyms.

Likewise, one CES conventioneer was promoting "Fat Tours" to Amsterdam, where so-called "hash-brown bars" have opened, catering to almost any fast-food-related urge. Even Double Quarter Pounders with Cheese are legal in the Red Light District -- as long as you don't take them out onto the street, of course.

As the only person in the CES building over 200 pounds, it's not surprising that I heard someone yell "revoke his passport!" as I lingered around this particular kiosk.

Victoria's Secret OMNI bra: This latest last bra you'll ever need uses patent-pending microscopic nanobots inside the fabric that are always wirelessly connected to top lingerie design firms in Paris in Milan. These tiny machines constantly download software updates, and automatically rebuild the bra to keep up with the latest fashion trends.

They let me touch one, and I felt a slight tingling sensation, caused by the nanobots ferociously doing their job. "Great work, if you can get it," I joked.

Then I was asked to leave.

Suedexium: The industry that brought us Celebrex and Vioxx unveil perhaps their most problem-solving and profit-promising concoction to date -- a prescription-drug additive that subdues the unhealthy urge to sue drug companies for the unpleasant side effects from their other products.

Drugs spiked with Suedexium will be deeply discounted, allowing pharmaceutical companies to pass their no-class-action savings onto you.

Suedexium is an Indignation-2 inhibitor, designed to target the initial chemical imbalances that can trigger acute litigiousness. Unfortunately, Suedexium's downside rings all too familiar.

"Side effects include abdominal pain, diarrhea, strokes, heart attacks, internal bleeding and death. In clinical trials, those taking Suedexium reported symptoms similar to those eating asbestos soup on a daily basis," the brochure states.

Because of this, if you take Suedexium for more than 14 days, it is recommended that anyone in your immediate circle -- especially those genetically predisposed to holding a grudge -- also begin treatment with the drug.