Kalani Simpson

Drunk with Stadium

IT is true that not all violence and mayhem at the stadium are caused by drinking. For example, Thursday, when I stabbed myself in the forehead with a pencil during the Stadium Authority's "Introduction to parliamentary procedure in 85,000 easy steps."

I'm not going to say that last part of the "alcohol" portion of the meeting was torture, but if the CIA ever gets hold of the videotape we'll find bin Laden by the end of the week.

» I was hoping for more of a circus atmosphere. Pro-beer protesters, like they had on the UH campus. "Norm" from "Cheers." Anything.

» The highlight of the public testimony was when two students read a resolution adopted by the Associated Students of the University of Hawaii at Manoa Senate. They would alternate on the "whereases" ("whereas, I get to say this part ..."), taking turns leaning over the microphone like they were presenting at an awards show.

Actually, the young lady, Katie Barry, was very impressive when she spoke in her own words after the resolution. Although she did say that it would be best that they learn how to drink responsibly while at an institution of higher learning.

Hey, I've seen "Dateline NBC." An institution of higher learning is the WORST place to learn about drinking responsibly.

» It was impossible to ignore the passion and the pride and the anger and the disappointment in UH alum Dirk Soma's voice as he gave his testimony, the points he made. Well, you would think it would be impossible. Let's hope UH doesn't do just that.

» Seeing Lt. Gov. Duke Aiona sitting there, serious and dignified and doing something meaningful and good and from the heart, I still could not help but flash back to another moment in Stadium Authority meeting history -- when Larry Price uttered the immortal line: "We've always got time to listen to a man in a coat and a tie."

» Here is the solution to this whole mess: The "UH season-ticket" plan. Jack up the prices -- maybe charge a "premium" for the right to even buy the beer (the bracelets).

Sure, some longtime loyal fans will drop out and the numbers will go down, but the higher prices will keep the revenue about the same, or maybe even higher.

There will be less drinking, but no ban. Those who want beer bad enough will still be able to get it.

And those who feel they don't want to go along with it can "Pay-per-brew" at home.

You can also adjust prices up or down for different opponents like they do with game tickets. (People shouldn't have to sit through Utah State sober, for crying out loud.)

See the Columnists section for some past articles.

Kalani Simpson can be reached at ksimpson@starbulletin.com

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