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Trying to keep
your head in golf

The annual Star-Bulletin and MidWeek golf tournament took place on Saturday, and I'm happy to report that, considering the level of golfing expertise on display, no one was struck dead and property damage was minimal.

It was touch and go (or, more accurately, smash and dive) when sportswriter Randy Cadiente fired a golf ball at Mach 3 with missile-like accuracy directly into my golf cart from approximately 50 yards away. Anticipating that possible outcome, I had positioned myself behind the golf cart and merely had to dive into the turf to avoid the errant projectile, which I did with as much grace and dignity as can be mustered by someone who is about to have Spalding imprinted on his forehead.

My cart partner, cartoonist Corky Trinidad, apparently cowering behind a tree some yards away, found way too much humor in my near decapitation, and frankly, I thought the guffaws were a bit forced.

But what goes around comes around (my impressive boomerang-like slice being a case in point). Corky left before the awards ceremony, so I took custody of the four passes to Sea Life Park that he won for "low gross" or "most gross" or something along the gross line. (I won a gift certificate to Gyotaku Restaurant for, I think, Biggest Haole with the Most Questionable Handicap.)

Corky doesn't know I have his passes, which I intend here to offer to a lucky reader who e-mails me first with the best reason why he or she and a friend should spend a day at Sea Life Park with Corky. I call it "Spend a Day with Corky at Sea Life Park but Don't Tell Him What's Going On." I plan to tag along so the lucky reader and friend actually will spend the day with Corky and me at the dolphin pits and shark pools or whatever fishy things they have going on out there.

The Sea Life Park passes are pretty good Corky-related prizes considering what you usually win in a Corky contest is a free caricature by him. He did a caricature of my wife after she won a newspaper tennis tournament, and he made her look like Yasser Arafat. The drawings he did of me for our book "Hey Tourist! Buy This Book!" made me look like a denuded Sasquatch with seven chins. So, trust me here, the two passes are a good deal.

Send your e-mails to the address below, explaining why you would like to be seen in public with Corky, me and various ocean creatures, and remember, don't tell him what's going on. It's a secret.