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Deciphering
real estate ads
is tough

With houses in Hawaii for sale at prices that would make Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan gag, Honolulu Realtor and "Lite" reader Stephanie Gieseler wants to educate potential buyers to the pitfalls of house shopping.

She sent me a list of common terms used in real estate advertisements and what they really mean.

"I hope these help Hawaii consumers to laugh instead of shedding tears over the situation," says Gieseler.

Here are some of her terms with a few of my own thrown in:

Offers Accepted Until ...: Bring your offer, a check and kneepads, a bidding war is anticipated.
Better Than New: Old
Lots of Character: Falling-down old.
Affordable Kailua Living: Where your Realtor and mental health professional team up to help you understand your choices.
Roomy: Claustrophobic.
Cozy: REALLY Claustrophobic.
Comfy: Forgetaboutit.
Upgraded: Top-quality Formica counters and linoleum floors were installed only 10 years ago.
Highly Upgraded: All the above upgrades plus new pink wall-to-wall shag carpeting.
Move-in Condition: A path has been cleared from garage to front door.
Bring Your Paintbrush!: And your plumber, electrician, mason, roofer, termite exterminator, drywall dude and checkbook.
A Neighborhood Landmark: Notorious crack house or scene of a recent murder.
A Rare Find: No one would build this one twice.
Mature Landscaping: You'd better own a backhoe, chain saw, machete and industrial weed eater.
Cute Fixer-upper: The only reason it's still standing is that the termites are holding hands.
Peek-A-Boo Ocean Views: Be prepared to stand tiptoe on toilet with binoculars.
Artistic Touches!: Eight-foot ceramic purple flamingo in the living room, Day-Glo appliances, bas-relief breasts on the wall.
Mini Estate: All the stucco and marble you would ever want, on a 4,000-square-foot lot.
Steps to Beach: Many, many, many, many steps. Bus pass needed.
A Naturalist's Dream: Bring lots of roach spray and a shotgun.
Priced to Sell: But not to you.