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Now you can buy the
ride of your life

I'm trying to figure out how to fit a Tilt-A-Whirl in my back yard and convince "she who must be obeyed" that an amusement ride would increase the value of our property and give 30 or 40 of our closest friends a thrill.

You, too, can purchase a "previously driven" amusement park ride from E.K. Fernandez. Don't know what permits you need, but Hawaii's premiere amusement ride operator is selling several rides at ekfernandez.com. I'll have more in an upcoming Honolulu Lite.

Appearance Note: I will be a guest comic this Sunday night at Jackie's Kitchen at Ala Moana Center. But don't despair, there will be actual comedians there also. The usual core comic group includes Gerard Elmore, Andy Bumatai, Paul Ogata, Elroy, Shawn Felipe, Stan Egi and Milton Banana. Cost is $10 with two-drink minimum which includes admission to the Dragon Room after the show. Call 943-CHAN for reservations.

Now the news ...

A furry fire alarm

BRISBANE, Australia (AP) » A cattle dog that has developed a habit of imitating fire engine sirens alerted his owner to a potentially devastating blaze in a Brisbane suburb.

Michael Trembath said his dog Patchie started making siren noises after an arsonist ignited trees on his property. He was able to douse the fire with a hose before it spread to his home.

(Patchie first yelped out a couple of Sinatra tunes before going with the old standby, the fire engine siren.)

Sentence is a toss up

OLATHE, Kan. (AP) » A Kansas high school student convicted of battery for puking on his Spanish teacher was sentenced to four months cleaning up after people who throw up in police cars.

The boy claimed he was nervous about his final exams but students said he had planned to throw up on the teacher all along. The sentencing judge said it was an assault on the dignity of all teachers.

(Not to mention their clothing and other personal effects.)

Police toe the line

LAWRENCE, Kan. (AP) » Ezekiel Rubottom has his left foot back where he wants it -- in a bucket on the front porch.

Police confiscated the amputated foot to check out how it had gotten there. They returned it after learning it had been cut off because of medical problems and Rubottom simply liked to keep it on his porch in a bucket of formaldehyde.

(And it gives him something to chat about when the Jehovah Witnesses come calling.)

Honolulu Lite on Sunday

Hawaii residents don't understand why there's such a flap at the White House over flip-flops. Flip-flops (aka zories, rubba slippas, etc.) are considered perfectly acceptable for most formal occasions in the islands.

Quote Me On This (Dept. of Man vs. Woman):

"Women are like elephants -- everyone likes to look at them but no one likes to have to keep one." -- W.C. Fields

"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." -- Gloria Steinem