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Growing meat
without cows is neat

In a development bound to confound vegetarians and cows, scientists think it is possible to grow meat without the annoying problem of raising and slaughtering millions of animals.

Two possible scenarios, both rather disgusting, involve growing muscle cells from the tissue of cattle, pigs or chickens in large flat sheets on thin membranes or growing meat cells on three-dimensional beads.

In the first method, according to the science journal Tissue Engineering (a periodical my family races to the mailbox each month to grab), the sheets of thin membranes would be stacked to increase thickness and resemble meat. In the second case, the tissue would be taken from the beads and turned into processed meat such as chicken nuggets or hamburger.

While both methods are, like I said, rather disgusting, I guess they aren't that much more disgusting than shooting a cow in the head (or however they dispatch cows before they become steaks) or slitting a chicken's throat as it hangs from a moving conveyor belt.

The process would drastically reduce both the need for raising millions of cows for meat and the incessant whining of the animal rights wackos and vegetarians. Although, I wouldn't be surprised if new groups sprung up like PETCMM (People for the Ethical Treatment of Cellular Meat Membranes).

GROWING CULTURED meat should make the anti-meat people happy because it would free up millions of acres for granola and Honey Bunches of Oat farms. There also would be less bovine flatulence, which, according to the Kyoto Treaty, is the leading cause of both global warming and small stinky countries.

Cultured meat wouldn't be such a good thing for cows, because there wouldn't be much need for them for anything other than milk. Face it, the only reason cows exist is so we can eat them. They don't do well in the wild, being chiefly unarmed.

If we become a cultured meat-eating society, cows will largely be found in pairs next to the panda and ring-tailed skink exhibits in zoos. Chickens, too, will have to learn how to fly or use small-caliber firearms to survive once they are no longer needed for nuggets. We'll have to have a few chickens to provide the meat cells, a few for cockfights and a few to lay eggs, and the rest will be turned out to fend for themselves in the wilds of New Jersey and Waipahu.