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Celebrate America
on July Fifth

"You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it's patriotism."

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Erma Bombeck said that. I wish I had said it, but she got there first. So, in honor of the Fifth of July and Bombeck, I decided to just steal it. I'm as patriotic as the next overfed fella and have the body to prove it. Bombeck was right, being patriotic involves a lot of eating. But she's wrong about having to love a country that celebrates independence through picnics, not Stalinish displays of rocket launchers and perfectly lined-up soldiers.

Few countries, it seems, love America anymore. And many downright hate us. I don't get it. In fact, I generally write an annual July Fourth column listing all of the great things America has contributed to the world. Since my column couldn't run on July 4 this year, I've had to do the next best thing: the "Honolulu Lite" annual Fifth of July column.

Now, I'm not saying that America is perfect, just that we should get credit for some great contributions to society. I pointed out last year that America was responsible for cheese-in-a-can, the doghouse, microwave pork rinds, golf spikes, Scotch tape, ballpoint pens and toothpicks. How often do we get thanked for that?

And do terrorists realize that they wouldn't even be able to get their disgusting, vicious messages out on Web sites if Americans hadn't invented the computer and Al Gore hadn't invented the Internet?

YES, AMERICA invented ballistic missiles, but it also invented exotic drink umbrellas, "a protective device to keep alcoholic beverages from sunstroke while projecting a festive aspect."

This year, I'm adding even more great things America gave to the modern world, like canned beer. Most of you are too young to remember what it was like drinking beer cupped in your hands before an American thought of putting it in a can.

Another great contribution was Silly Putty. The putty itself had been around since 1943, but it took Peter Hodgson in 1950 to put it in little plastic eggs and sell it to children. And the world is a better place for it.

Now, knowing all this, if perhaps you feel a weird tweak of Fifth of July pride, relax. It's either patriotism or the potato salad.