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Web cams are high-tech
sleeping aids

There's something wrong when advanced technology can make something as exciting as sharks and volcanos boring, and something as boring as a bunch of people sitting around a waiting room interesting.

But that's what's happening with the use of Web cams all over the world. A Web cam, for those in the Dark Ages, is a digital camera whose images are sent out of the Internet to the complete antipathy of almost everyone on the planet. It's a very cool technology -- employing advanced electronics, expensive cameras, high-speed computers and global satellites -- but it's being used for the dumbest things.

For instance, there's a "BugCam" that purports to show "good bugs eating bad bugs 24 hours a day." What you see are hazy pictures of ladybugs and a pitch for you to buy up to 72,000 ladybugs for $81.99. No joke. I like ladybugs as much as the next guy, but I don't want to watch them live on the Internet or have 72,000 of the little buggers roaming around the house.

Apparently, anyone with a digital camera and an Internet connection can now bore people to death everywhere. I found many examples at a Web site called World Weird WebCams, which, along with the ladybugs, features Hawaii's own Waikiki Aquarium shark tank.

Now, you'd think that watching sharks would be kind of interesting. But what you see is basically a underwater picture changed every 10 seconds or so. I think I saw a shark in one frame, but by the time the next frame came up, he was long gone. I guess you could wait around for someone to accidentally fall into the tank, but other than that, even watching sharks online is a snoozer.

THE SHARK CAM was still a lot better than the NessieCam, which showed live pictures of Loch Ness, in Scotland, where Nessie was not in attendance. Then there is the LeprechaunCam in Tipperary, Ireland, hidden in a tree trunk in a magical forest where the camera owners claim leprechauns are thick on the ground. What I saw was a tree trunk. You are urged to let them know if you actually see a leprechaun because, I guess, then they'll know where to send the guys in the white coats with the nets.

The most boring site might be the ElephantCam in South Africa, from which you get to see the backsides of several camera-shy elephants, or the LlamaCam, in which you get to see some very disinterested Yellow Wood llamas in Indiana. I never even heard of Yellow Wood llamas before. They look like something designed by Steven Spielberg. If you like to watch wool grow, this site's for you.

On the GatorCam in Florida, you will see no alligators. The camera is "experiencing problems," according to a note on the site. You can only assume that the gators ate it.

Surprisingly, the most interesting Web cam offering was set in the State of Alaska Division of Motor Vehicles waiting rooms. Here, the cameras are simply aimed at poor jerks sitting around while waiting for their drivers licenses in six different DMV rooms. Even from 6,000 miles away, you can feel the homicidal rage pulsing those rooms. I suppose the reason the cameras are there is to catch the inevitable gunfire when it erupts. I had my money on a guy in the corner unpacking what appeared to be an Uzi in a violin case.

HAWAII HAS MORE than its share of live Web cams on the Internet. Global Hawaii at www.global-hawaii.com has several island Web cams running. But most are disappointing. You can see live pictures of Kilauea volcano "erupting," but right now looks more like watching lava dry. The Aloha Tower Cam shows Honolulu Harbor in all its magnificent tedium.

The Monk Seal Cam at the Waikiki Aquarium promises that you can "view an endangered monk seal," but what you see are people looking into a pool where the seal allegedly is lurking.

I think that if they combined the shark tank and seal pool, shove a few tourists in and turn the camera on, this technology might prove pretty exciting.