Honolulu Lite
Charles Memminger

A ‘Lite’ (Rent This Space)
look at ads

The state Board of Education is considering (KFC is A-OK!) allowing companies to advertise (iPod, uPod?) on school campuses in order to raise money (Snapple? Yapple!) for education.

This ties in nicely with my idea (Build Up to Lowes!) to allow private companies to sponsor government projects (Get Culture, Eat Dannon Yogurt!) like the HPOWER Plant, which could then become the Preparation HPOWER Plant. If Wiki Wiki Drive-in and Huli Huli Chicken sponsored one of the roadways (Tyson, It Tastes Like Chicken!), we could end up with the Huli Huli Wiki Wiki Likelike Highway. Cool.

The Outdoor Circle (Riders, Jeans That Move With You) hates the idea of allowing advertising on school grounds because the Outdoor Circle hates signs of any kind. In fact, the Outdoor Circle (Nick at Night Is Outta Sight!) should have a big old sign above its offices saying, "WE HATE BIG OLD SIGNS."

Other opponents (Be a STAR at Starbucks) think advertising will disrupt the students, especially boys (Maxwell House Coffee -- Like Starbucks Only Cheaper!) who are easily disrupted. Hah. (Maxwell House for the Aged -- Starbucks Rocks!) If the skimpy little streetwalker clothes (Maxwell House -- Good to the Last Drop!) the girls are wearing to school these days (Starbucks -- Good from the FIRST Sip!) don't disrupt boys, I doubt a big old Pepsi sign above the boy's bathroom will.

Companies are slobbering over themselves (Ritz Bits: Real Food, Real Fun!) to be allowed to advertise on school grounds. They see kids as a captive, easily manipulated (Quaker Oatmeal -- Go With the Grain!) customer base. What they don't realize is that once something is advertised in a big way (Quaker Oats -- And We Mean GO!) it is no longer cool, and kids won't want it.

School officials (Lowes Blows, Home Depot Rules!) say advertising will bring in much-needed moola-coola (Home Depot? More Like Home Repo. Lowes Knows) to pay for the bloated bureaucracy the Department of Education has become. Studies have found (Get Loose With Jamba Juice!) that more money equals more bureaucrats (Get Loose? Hey, That's Our Department -- Quaker Oats), so they might be wrong there.

One big complaint is that too much advertising forced on people is annoying. As a neutral observer (This Space for Rent), I don't think so.

(This column was sponsored by Easily Annoyed Citizens Against Annoying Advertising.)

Charles Memminger, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2004 First Place Award winner for humor writing, appears Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com and cmemminger@hawaii.rr.com

See the Columnists section for some past articles.

| | |
E-mail to Features Desk


© Honolulu Star-Bulletin -- https://archives.starbulletin.com